


If There's a Reason

by LyriaBlackFrost



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence after Shido's Palace, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mention of one-sided feelings (Ryuji/Akira), Mild Sexual Content, Mutual Support, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage because Ryuji is 17
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:00:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22515115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyriaBlackFrost/pseuds/LyriaBlackFrost
Summary: Goro thought that, after everything he had done wrong, no one would care if he lived or died in Shido’s palace. However, hearing Ryuji’s lone voice from behind that barrier makes him feel as if it was fine for him to be alive—that, despite everything, he deserved a second chance.After witnessing the cold reaction of the Phantom Thieves when Ryuji saved their lives, Goro approaches him and offers him a place in his apartment until he calms down and finds the strength to face his former teammates again. A long conversation makes the two boys open up, reaching for each other in an attempt to ease their own pain.What begins as a way to get the affection they crave so much, slowly changes as they grow closer, giving them both a new reason to face their problems and keep on living.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Sakamoto Ryuji
Comments: 45
Kudos: 179





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know this isn't the RyuGoro I should be writing, but I'm still stuck on my [main series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1348348) and needed to write something like this.
> 
> Please, **check the tags** before reading. I hope you enjoy it!

Goro leaned against that wall, breathing hastily. He used the last of his items to partially close his wounds, but the lost amount of blood still made his vision go blurry for a moment. He shut his eyes, taking a few deep breaths before opening them again, and part of him wished he didn’t. It was an unsettling thing to watch his own dead body just a few feet away, even if he knew it was a fake.

Now, without the noise of that brief battle, Goro could hear the muffled sounds that came from the other side of that wall. Loud, repetitive bangs, as if someone was pounding against it… And a voice. Ryuji Sakamoto’s voice.

Not the voice he expected to hear, but still… A single person from that whole group cared enough about him to keep hitting that barrier while calling his name, even after everything he had done wrong. Goro turned to face the wall, and part of him wanted to answer that he was fine, that he didn’t need to worry.

But no… That would be foolish. Instead, he rested his forehead against that surface, listening to Ryuji’s attempts to reach him until they finally stopped. His following words were low, but Goro still could hear them, like a whisper.

“ _You better be alive, you bastard…”_

He smiled to himself. Soon the low sounds of the Phantom Thieves leaving that room turned into silence, and Goro closed his eyes, placing a hand on the cold surface of that wall.

“Thank you,” he muttered before turning around to leave as well.

* * *

He managed to escape that ship before it completely crumbled around him, but not before witnessing the group escaping on a boat thanks to Ryuji. And then, that explosion.

His chest tightened as the thoughts filled his mind. _Was there even a way someone could survive a blast like that?_ He tried to calm himself down and focus on his own escape, telling himself that, if anyone in the world could survive something like that, it was Ryuji.

“You better be alive…” he muttered.

Back to the real world, it didn’t take long for Goro to find the group, and his heart felt lighter when he saw Ryuji approaching them, limping a little, but not seeming gravely injured. He watched from where he was, without revealing his presence. He expected the other Phantom Thieves to feel the same—or even a greater—relief, approach that boy who almost died for their sakes, and give him all the hugs and attention that he deserved…

That was why, when Ann slapped his face, it shocked Goro as much as it seemed to shock Ryuji.

And it didn’t end there… Not only did she keep hitting him, but soon the other girls joined her, until Ryuji was on the floor, curling into a ball, as the rest of the group watched in silence. Then, they all walked away, leaving him behind.

He still couldn’t believe what he had just witnessed. Part of him wanted to get closer and see if Ryuji was fine, but, at the same time, he didn’t want to reveal his presence. If anything, he wanted to disappear from Tokyo and his old life as quietly as possible, and he couldn’t risk it all because of something like that.

What changed his mind was seeing Ryuji, who watched in silence as his friends walked away, then hugged his knees against his chest and lowered his head, his shoulders trembling as he cried. Goro knew he should simply walk away, like the others did, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. Against his better judgment, he approached Ryuji, crouching beside him, hesitating for an instant before placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Sakamoto?” he called.

Ryuji immediately raised his head, staring at Goro with widened eyes. He opened his mouth, but took some time to finally say something.

“Akechi…?” he said. “You… You’re alive…?”

Goro simply offered him a slight smile as a response, seeing Ryuji’s body relax as he returned the smile. Even so, there wasn’t any trace of his usual, bright and cheerful expression there.

“I’m so glad…” proceeded Ryuji. “I thought you had—”

His voice cracked, but Goro shook his head, making clear that he had understood.

“I’m fine,” he said. “But how about you? How did you even survive that explosion?”

Ryuji’s smile faded.

“You saw it?” He averted his gaze. “I’ve got no idea… I just woke up here, in the real world.”

He stopped talking, hesitating a little before proceeding.

“Did you… Did you see…?”

Before Goro could answer, Ryuji shrugged, a sad chuckle leaving his lips.

“‘Course you did,” he said. “Pretty pathetic, wasn’t it? Anyway…” He indicated the street in front of them with a gesture. “You should still be able to reach the others if you run. I’m sure they’ll be happy to see—”

His voice cracked again, and this time Ryuji lowered his head, in a clear attempt to hide his tears. Goro felt a sharp anger inside his chest: he knew he had no right to judge them, but, honestly, he expected more from their group, especially from Akira.

“I’m not here for them,” he answered. “I saw you limping back then… Did you get hurt?”

Ryuji glanced at him, surprised, before averting his gaze once again.

“No…” he said. “It’s just my leg actin’ up again.”

“I’ll help you walk to your home.”

“I’m fine. I…” He stopped for a second, lowering his voice. “I don’t think I’m gonna go home today. Can’t let my mom see me like this.”

“And where are you planning to spend the night?”

“I dunno. Anywhere, really.”

Goro thought about it, then let out a small sigh.

“Come with me,” he said. “You can stay at my apartment.”

Ryuji stared at him. As expected, he still didn’t trust Goro… Not that he could blame him for that.

“I won’t do anything to you,” assured Goro. “I have no reason to.”

“I wasn’t thinkin’…” Ryuji stopped talking, considering it for a moment. “You sure about that?”

“Yes.”

Another moment of silent consideration.

“Okay,” he finally answered.

Goro got back on his feet, then offered Ryuji his hand, helping him do the same.

“Just lean on my shoulder,” he said. “I’ll help you walk.”

“Sorry about this.”

They slowly made their way to the train station. As expected, the group wasn’t there anymore, and Goro couldn’t tell if Ryuji felt more relieved or disappointed by that. Neither of them spoke until they got to Goro’s studio apartment. Goro told Ryuji to leave his bag on a chair and sit on the bed, which he did.

“How is your leg?” he asked.

“Fine,” answered Ryuji.

That low, distant answer sounded so unlike the usual Ryuji that Goro couldn’t help but worry. He sat on the opposite end of the bed, looking at him for a while, trying to find something to say.

“Aren’t you angry at them?” he asked.

“I ain’t angry,” admitted Ryuji. “But I thought…”

He stopped talking, gritting his teeth.

“Nevermind.”

Goro was about to insist on the subject when Ryuji looked at him.

“What happened between you and the fake Akechi?” he asked. “I was sure you died back there.”

“I got injured, but had a few emergency items that saved me,” explained Goro. “I’m still feeling weak because of the blood I lost, though.”

“Don’t you need to go to a hospital, or somethin’?”

“I don’t know how I would explain the situation to them.” He let out a small sigh. “Besides, I don’t want any rumors about me getting hurt going around. I should be fine after eating and resting for a while.”

Ryuji nodded, lowering his eyes again.

“Sorry for makin’ you drag me with you,” he said.

“Except you didn’t make me do anything.” Goro reached for his phone. “Are you hungry?”

“Not really.”

“I’ll ask for two portions. You can eat yours later.”

“You don’t have to…”

Ryuji groaned, frustrated.

“Why are you doin’ this?” he asked in a slightly loud voice.

“Doing what?”

“Bein’ so nice.”

The problem was Goro didn’t know either. It wasn’t like the two of them had ever been close, even when they were in the same group—if anything, they never tried to hide their dislike for each other. However, after hearing Ryuji’s voice on the other side of that wall, and then seeing him crying on his own while his friends walked away, something uncomfortable grew in Goro’s chest, leaving him unable to ignore the situation.

“Why wouldn’t I?” he answered instead.

Ryuji didn’t seem to buy that answer. He shifted a little over the mattress, then stood up.

“I don’t think I should be here,” he muttered. “Thanks for the help.”

He reached for his bag, but Goro quickly stood up as well, holding his arm.

“Sakamoto…”

Ryuji looked at him, but Goro didn’t know what to say.

“Back then,” he started, “on the other side of that wall… I heard you calling for me. You were the only one who did it, and…”

What was he about to say? _It made me feel happy? It made me think that it was fine for me to be alive?_ Ryuji shook his head in response.

“No one there wanted you to die,” he said.

“Still, I felt like you were the only one who actually wanted me to live.”

There was no answer.

“Please, just stay here tonight,” proceeded Goro in a calm voice. “Your leg is injured, and I don’t want you to force it any more than you already did.”

Ryuji bit the inside of his lip as he considered it, still clearly uncomfortable.

“Fine,” he said in a low voice.

Goro relaxed a little as Ryuji walked back to his bed, sitting with his back against the wall and the knees bent against his chest. Neither of them tried to start a conversation, and, a few minutes later, the food Goro bought arrived. Despite his previous protests, Ryuji ate half of his portion. When they were close to finishing their meal, Ryuji’s phone buzzed. Goro watched as he took it out of his pocket and turned it off, placing it over the table after glancing at the screen, a bitter expression on his face. Goro considered asking if something was wrong, but instead pretended not to notice it, eating the rest of his food in silence.

* * *

Goro took an extra pillow and blanket so Ryuji could make himself comfortable on his couch. He lied on the bed, feeling exhausted after everything he had been through that day, but still unable to sleep. Whenever his mind started to drift away, the sight of that Goro created by Shido’s mind came back to haunt him until he was awake again, his heart pounding against his chest.

He stayed in bed, wide-awake but too tired to get up. He closed his eyes until the sound of someone moving not too far from him called his attention. He watched as Ryuji sat up on the couch, lowering his head, covering his face with both hands. Was he crying? Probably, given the situation. Goro wondered if he should get up from the bed and try to cheer him up, but… Honestly, he didn’t have the physical or mental energy for that at the moment, so he closed his eyes again.

The low sound of steps approaching Goro’s bed made him open his eyes, only enough to see Ryuji there, placing something on his nightstand.

“Sorry…” he muttered.

Ryuji then walked to the kitchen table and reached for his own phone, hesitating before moving his hand away without taking it. He let out a tired sigh, throwing his bag over his shoulder. Something about all that made an alert go out in Goro’s mind, and, without thinking, he jolted up, startling Ryuji.

“Where are you going?” he asked in a serious voice, reaching for his lamp and turning it on.

Ryuji stared at him without reacting, and, as Goro had thought, his puffed red eyes were proof enough that he had been crying. He looked away with a slightly guilty expression.

“Nowhere,” he muttered.

“Do you really expect me to believe that?”

Ryuji furrowed his brow, crossing his arms.

“I just thought I should take a walk…” he said. “To clear my head a little.”

“Is that so?” Goro arched his eyebrow. “And why did you decide to take your belongings with you for a walk?”

Ryuji flinched in a way that made him seem smaller than he actually was.

“I took it without thinkin’.”

“Is that so?”

Goro could see his effort to find an answer. Instead of giving him time to come up with another lie, he asked:

“What were you really planning to do?”

“I said it’s nothin’,” insisted Ryuji, sounding annoyed. “I just wanted to take a walk, okay?”

Goro observed him for a while, then looked at his nightstand, seeing some money there, next to his digital clock.

“What is the meaning of this?” he asked.

“It’s for the food,” said Ryuji.

“Why did you wait until I fell asleep to give it?”

“You wouldn’t wanna take it.”

“Really?” Goro narrowed his eyes. “I thought you were just taking a walk. Wouldn’t it be wiser to do it when you knew we wouldn’t see each other again?”

Ryuji gritted his teeth, staring at him with an angry expression.

“Fine!” he said in a loud voice. “I wasn’t plannin’ to come back here, okay? I just thought it’d be good for me to go back home now!”

Goro watched him for a while, making Ryuji avert his gaze.

“Why did you leave your cell phone, then?” he asked.

“I forgot it.”

“You didn’t,” retorted Goro. “I saw you leaving it on the table on purpose. Why did you do it?”

He could notice Ryuji’s body tensing up. There was a heavy sensation on the bottom of Goro’s stomach as his suspicions became clearer.

“Were you planning to kill yourself?” he asked.

Ryuji flinched again, but managed to keep a neutral face.

“No,” he said.

“Stop lying to me!” Goro raised his voice, taking a step in his direction. “Do you think I’m an idiot?”

Ryuji looked at him, seeming like a cornered animal. Then, his expression changed to anger.

“So what if I was?” he asked in a loud voice. “Why do you even care about this? I’ve got nowhere else to go, anyway… And I don’t wanna be a burden to you either! I just…”

He stopped talking, averting his gaze again.

“I’m just tired, okay?” he added in a lower voice.

Goro didn’t answer for a while, thinking about his words. He raised his hand, offering it to Ryuji.

“Give me your things,” he said.

Ryuji hesitated, but then took his bag, giving it to Goro, who placed it over his bed.

“Let’s go for a walk,” he said.

His words made Ryuji blink, confused.

“What?”

“I think both of us need to clear our heads right now,” said Goro.

Ryuji didn’t seem too happy with the idea, but didn’t protest. He followed Goro outside, and they walked aimlessly on his condominium, stopping after a while on the empty leisure area. The night weather was pleasant, even if slightly cold, so it seemed like a good idea to stay outside. Goro sat on one of the benches close to the sports court, gesturing for Ryuji to do the same. They spent some time like that, side by side, but with a considerable distance between them. Ryuji was clearly uncomfortable, but didn’t say a word, and Goro tried to find a good way to touch that subject.

“Why do you want to die?” he asked.

He didn’t seem surprised by that question.

“I told you…” he said. “I’ve got nowhere else to go.”

“How about your family?”

Ryuji hugged his own arms, without looking at Goro.

“My mom is better without me,” he muttered.

“How can you be so sure of that?”

It took a while for Ryuji to answer, pressing his own arms with his fingers, his gaze on the ground.

“She told me,” he admitted in a low voice.

“She _what_?”

That answer caught Goro by surprise. He had heard Ryuji talk about his mother when they were still part of the same group, and every time he did, his affection was clear. Goro never thought much about Ryuji’s personal life, but he also never doubted that he and his mother shared a deep bond.

“I mean…” proceeded Ryuji, leaning slightly forward. “It was a few years ago, during a fight we had just after my old man left. She said everythin’ bad happened after I was born… My old man started to drink and made our lives a hell. Even now, she can do nothin’ but work to take care of me. She has no life of her own anymore.”

Goro observed him for a while, unsure of how to react to those words.

“Did she really say that?” he asked.

Ryuji nodded.

“She apologized to me later,” he added. “Said she didn’t mean any of that, and that she was too nervous and threw all the blame on me.” He made a pause. “But I know it’s true. She’s still young, so she could still find another person, and even have another kid. But she can’t do any of that with me around, ‘cause no one wants to deal with her problematic son.”

Goro didn’t have much to compare that situation to, except for his own late mother. Maybe for that reason, but he believed that she hadn’t lied about not meaning what she said. However, he knew that saying that to such an upset Ryuji would be the same as nothing.

“I know it’s hard for people to be around someone like me,” continued Ryuji. “I’m always messin’ things up, and losin’ my temper… But I thought _they_ liked me. I thought I was their friend, for some stupid reason.” His voice broke, and he stopped talking for a while. “I guess they were only stuck with me ‘cause I knew about their secret. Probably thought I’d tell everyone else if they didn’t put up with my bullshit.” Ryuji let out a small, sad chuckle. “I’m such an idiot.”

“I don’t think that’s the case,” said Goro.

Ryuji stared at him, seeming slightly irritated.

“Then why were they so angry that I survived?” he questioned. “Can you answer that?”

Goro lowered his gaze. In fact, that reaction had surprised even himself. Ryuji sighed.

“I thought things had changed,” he muttered. “But now I realized that they… they never will. I’m stuck in this shitty life, only hurtin’ everyone I care about, and feelin’ sorry for myself like the fuckin’ asshole that I am.”

He brought both hands to his face, an exhausted groan leaving his throat.

“I’m tired of it.”

Goro watched him in silence for a while, thinking about his words.

“I understand it,” he said. “But I still won’t let you end your life over this.”

His answer made Ryuji glare at him.

“And what right you’ve got to decide that for me?” he asked. “Ain’t you the one who almost got yourself killed just a few hours ago?”

Despite Ryuji’s elevated tone, Goro answered in a calm, slow manner.

“Because I’ve been fighting the urge to do the same for years, now.”

Ryuji looked at him, widening his eyes. His gaze slowly fell to the ground, and for a long while, neither of them said a word.

“Sorry…” muttered Ryuji. “I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“Don’t apologize for that.”

Again, silence.

“I’m whinin’ a lot, ain’t I?” asked Ryuji in a tired voice. “Guess I really am a selfish prick…”

Goro shook his head.

“I was just wondering how you manage to keep such a bright attitude when you have all this shit in your head.”

His words made a humorless chuckle leave Ryuji’s throat.

“You’re the one to talk,” he muttered. “I don’t even know how you lived all these years with all that stuff inside yourself without goin’ crazy.”

Goro sighed.

“I just told myself that everything would be worth it in the end,” he said. “That my life would get better when I finally killed that man and got my revenge.” He closed his eyes, shaking his head. “But, as you know, it was just an excuse… As stupid as it sounds, all I wanted was to feel loved again, like I did before my mother died.”

“Sorry to hear that.”

It wasn’t Goro’s intention to paint himself as a victim, or to make Ryuji pity him, so that reaction made him slightly uncomfortable.

“It’s fine,” he said in a casual voice. “People die every day. It’s just something that happens.”

“Yeah… But it still hurts, right?”

That simple question made Goro’s heart sting.

“I suppose,” he said.

Goro thought for a while, about all the things that had happened since his mother passed away, changing from one foster family to another, unable to trust anyone and yet yearning for any kind of affection. And then, choosing to become Shido’s pawn for his revenge, blinded by his pain and anger to the point of believing that there was nothing in the world but them.

“I should have realized how foolish my plans were,” he muttered. “How is anyone supposed to like me as I am right now? I don’t even know if I have a personality of my own anymore.” A humorless chuckle. “I’m too used to this Detective Prince act by now.”

Ryuji observed him through the corner of his eyes.

“You don’t look like a Detective Prince right now,” he said.

Goro met his gaze. Ryuji hadn’t stated anything but the obvious, but still…

“I didn’t mean that in a bad way,” added Ryuji.

“I know.” A tiny smile took Goro’s lips. “It’s actually good to hear it.”

Ryuji returned his smile, but it soon faded as he gazed at the ground again.

“You know you don’t need this fake Akechi you created, right?” he muttered. “You can still find people who like you for who you are.”

“Can I really…?” asked Goro, not really seeking an answer.

He spent a while in thoughtful silence, looking at the starless sky of that big city.

“Even if that’s true,” he proceeded in a low voice, “I don’t think I deserve it.”

Ryuji sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.

“You really fucked up,” he admitted. “But anyone can see how much you regret it. If you’re willin’ to be better, I don’t see why you wouldn’t deserve it.”

Goro scoffed at those words.

“Can someone like me even change?”

“In a way, I feel like you already did,” answered Ryuji. “Even if it’s just a little.”

His reassuring words were almost painful to Goro. He looked at Ryuji, furrowing his brow.

“Are you sure you want to be kind to me?” he asked. “I’m still the person who shot your best friend in the—”

The mere mention of Akira was enough to make Ryuji’s seem hurt again, and Goro regretted his words.

“Sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have mentioned him.”

“Nah, it’s fine.” Ryuji shrugged, forcing a smile. “Guess there’s too much Akira in my life to ignore.”

The two of them stayed in silence for a while.

“I won’t lie to you…” said Ryuji, finally. “I don’t think I can ever forgive what you did to Aki, and the others.” He stopped talking for a few seconds. “But when I needed someone, you were the only one by my side.” He risked a glance at Goro. “I don’t think I can hate you anymore, even if I try.”

Goro couldn’t tell if Ryuji’s words made him feel more guilty or relieved, and chose not to think about it.

“Then, how about we make a deal?” he said. “If you don’t kill yourself, I’ll make an effort to become a better person.”

A small chuckle left Ryuji’s throat.

“Why do I feel like you’re just manipulatin’ me?” he said.

“That’s one of my strongest skills.”

Goro offered him a grin, making Ryuji shake his head.

“Bastard…” he murmured.

“So, what do you say?”

Ryuji looked away, tightening the grip on his own arms.

“I don’t know,” he answered. “I ain’t as strong as you are.”

“You’ve made it this far, haven’t you?” said Goro. “You can keep going a little longer.”

“How long, though?”

“How long it takes.”

Ryuji frowned at that response.

“I’ve got no idea what you mean.”

“To be honest, I’m just winging it,” admitted Goro.

“Thought so.”

Goro leaned in his direction, only enough to make Ryuji look at him again.

“But I really don’t want you to die,” he said in a serious voice. “That much is true.”

“That’s weird coming from you.”

“Would you believe me if I said I regret doing what that man asked me?” Goro lowered his voice. “Betraying your group, and everything else?”

“Yeah,” answered Ryuji. “Why else would you risk your life for us?”

The question made something twitch inside Goro’s chest.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe I too was fed up with everything.”

Silence grew between them once again. Ryuji looked at him, hesitating a little before speaking.

“Listen…” he said. “I’m really sorry you had to go through all that.”

The honesty in his voice was almost too much to bear.

“You really mean it, don’t you?” asked Goro.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Do you want me to list all the reasons?” He forced a half-smile. “You’re a really nice person, Sakamoto.”

Ryuji groaned at those words.

“C’mon,” he said. “I’m bein’ serious here.”

“Me too,” answered Goro. “Maybe that’s part of why I want you to stay alive. This world is too filled with people like me… We need more people like you around to balance things out.”

“But you can still change.”

“I wonder…”

Ryuji leaned in his direction.

“Akechi, I’m serious,” he insisted. “You did some bad stuff, but I don’t think you’re a bad person. You don’t need to worry about Shido anymore. You can just… live your life. Become a person you don’t hate. It’s not too late for that.”

“That’s some good life advice, coming from a suicidal.”

That sarcastic comment left his lips before he could stop it. Ryuji, however, didn’t seem offended by it.

“I told you I’m serious!”

Before Goro could deny it, or come up with another snarky response, Ryuji turned to face him, holding his face with both hands as he stared into his eyes.

“I’ll say it as many times as I’ve got to.” His voice was low, but firm. “You’re more than special, man… There’s so much good stuff about you, if you only give yourself a chance!”

For a moment, Goro could do nothing but look at Ryuji’s face, unsure of how to react to his words or the feeling of his palms against his skin. His silence made Ryuji realize their situation, moving his hands away with a slightly embarrassed expression.

“My bad…” he said. “I did it without thinkin’.”

Goro quickly raised his hands, holding Ryuji’s against his face.

“Actually,” he said, “this isn’t bad…”

His reaction made Ryuji look at him with slightly widened eyes, his mouth half-open. Goro couldn’t hold back a small, pained smile.

“I can’t even remember the last time I felt this kind of warmth,” he whispered.

Ryuji didn’t respond, and Goro looked at his face.

“Do you dislike this?” he asked.

“No,” admitted Ryuji. “Not really.”

Goro moved closer to Ryuji, closing his eyes.

“This feels comforting,” he said after a while.

“Really?”

Goro nodded, then opened his eyes.

“Do you want to try?” he asked.

Ryuji didn’t answer, but didn’t move away either. Goro let go of his hands, then carefully touched Ryuji’s face with his hand, slowly tracing it with his fingertips. Ryuji closed his eyes, relaxing a little, and Goro cupped his face. _He was warm… His skin felt soft against his fingers._ Goro leaned slightly in Ryuji’s direction, observing his eyelids, nose, and lips. _He wanted to touch them too… Every single part of him._

“How is it?” muttered Goro.

Ryuji’s lips curved into a small, almost imperceptible smile.

“It’s good.”

Saying that, he opened his eyes again, soon meeting Goro’s. For a second that seemed too long, neither of them looked away, and, in an impulse, Goro closed the distance between them, kissing Ryuji’s lips. Ryuji’s body tensed up with the surprise, but he didn’t react in any other way. Goro was about to move away and apologize for that unrequited advance when he felt Ryuji’s arms closing around his neck, keeping him in place.

Ryuji’s kiss was slightly clumsy, and he seemed unsure of what to do with his hands. It didn’t make Goro move away, though, gently taking the lead. Little by little, Ryuji got less anxious about his own actions, and, as a consequence, the kiss and touches felt better. Goro was the one to move away, looking at Ryuji’s face as he controlled his hasty breath.

“Let’s go back inside,” he whispered.

Ryuji didn’t protest, following Goro back to his apartment. As soon as Goro closed the door, they were all over each other again; hands caressing their bodies, mouths tasting the skin of their faces, necks, and shoulders. It didn’t take long for their clothes to be lying on the floor, while the two of them stumbled together to the bed.

Goro lied on his back, pulling Ryuji over him, kissing his lips again. His hand slid from Ryuji’s neck to his lower back, then slowly made its way down to his stomach, and then lower. Ryuji pulled away, flustered.

“Akechi… Wait.”

Taken aback by that reaction, Goro moved his hand away.

“Do you want to stop?” he asked.

Ryuji averted his gaze, seeming slightly embarrassed.

“No, but… I never…” His voice lowered down to a mutter. “I don’t think I’ll be any good at this.”

_Was that the reason why he was worried?_ Goro couldn’t hold back a slight smile.

“It’s alright,” he whispered.

Goro placed his hand on the back of Ryuji’s neck, bringing him closer. He kissed his lips, then moved down to his neck. A small groan left Ryuji’s throat, his hand going down Goro’s waist until it stopped over his hip, lightly pressing it. His actions were still a little stiff and hesitant, but Goro didn’t point it out, giving him the time to calm down and get used to the situation.

And Ryuji slowly did, allowing his hands and lips to feel Goro’s skin, while Goro did the same with him. The soft touches became bolder and more intimate, and Goro only interrupted them briefly to reach for the drawer on his nightstand, taking a condom and lube out of it, watching with quiet amusement Ryuji’s face flush at the realization of what they were about to do. But he didn’t ask for them to stop, and his expression and actions made it clear enough that he, just like Goro, wanted it to continue.

Goro wouldn’t call it passion, much less love, but a desperate attempt of getting more of that warmth. It wasn’t the first time he had sex with another person, but in every past experience he felt more like an idealized trophy than anything else. His partners always sought the Detective Prince while lying in bed with him, making him feel more empty than satisfied when it came to an end. Ryuji, however, was embracing _him_ , Goro Akechi, despite all of his flaws and mistakes. And he, in his own manner, was doing the same, accepting every flaw, fear, and insecurity Ryuji was carrying, allowing them to melt away together with his own, even if for a brief moment.

It was pleasant and painful, comforting and desperate, bitter and sweet, all at the same time. Even if Goro tried, he wouldn’t be able to describe it properly.

And still, it was everything that he needed at that moment.


	2. Chapter 2

Goro woke up the next morning to the alarming realization that Ryuji wasn’t beside him. He jolted up, looking around only to see himself alone in that apartment.

“Fuck…”

He jumped out of the bed, quickly wearing the first clothes he found, dashing to the door. _He shouldn’t have slept… He should have known something like that would happen… It was foolish to think he would give up that easily…_

Goro reached for the door, only then realizing that his keys were gone. _Had Ryuji taken them with him?_ Goro gritted his teeth, unsure of what that meant, but unwilling to stop and think about it. Every second he wasted just lowered the chances that he would be able to find Ryuji before he did something stupid.

He opened the first drawer of his cabinet, searching for his spare key, but before he could find it, someone opened the entrance door. Goro looked at it, seeing Ryuji entering his apartment again, and as soon as their eyes met, he was taken by a wave of both relief and anger. He approached Ryuji with wide steps, grabbing him by the front of his t-shirt.

“Where the hell did you go?” he asked.

For a few seconds, Ryuji did nothing but stare at him, slightly taken aback.

“I thought I’d make you breakfast,” he said, “but then I realized your fridge is like, energy drink land.” He forced a nervous laugh. “Really… How did you survive all this time on your own?”

“You should have told me!” Goro proceeded in a loud voice. “I thought you… Fuck…”

He let go of Ryuji’s t-shirt, taking a step back and covering his eyes with a hand. His heart was still racing, so he took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down. Ryuji watched him, guilt spreading through his face as he understood the situation.

“Sorry,” he said in a low, embarrassed voice. “I thought I’d get back before you woke up.”

“But you didn’t!” retorted Goro. “How was I even supposed to know you were going to come back?”

Ryuji averted his gaze.

“I didn’t really think about this…” he muttered. “I just wanted to repay you.”

His voice and expression made it clear that he was being sincere, and Goro felt bad for yelling at him like that. He sighed, shaking his head.

“Just don’t do something like this again,” he said.

“Okay…” answered Ryuji, still not looking at him. “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s alright. I’m just glad you’re back.”

There was a slightly uncomfortable silence between them. Goro’s eyes fell to the bags in Ryuji’s hands, and he used that as an excuse to change the subject.

“What did you buy?” he asked.

Ryuji looked at him, then lowered his eyes to the bags.

“Ah…” he said. “Just the essentials, like eggs, and rice, and other stuff.”

“I see.”

They went silent again.

“I’ll place the things in the fridge, okay?” said Ryuji.

Goro nodded, then watched as Ryuji took the groceries out of the bag, organizing them in the fridge and the cabinet.

“How much did it cost?” he asked. “I’ll repay you.”

“Like hell you will,” retorted Ryuji. “I’m doin’ this to thank you, so just forget about it.”

“You shouldn’t be spending your money on me.”

“Just shut up and lemme be nice, okay?”

Goro smiled to himself, then let out a loud, defeated sigh.

“You say that, but you didn’t even let me pay you dinner yesterday,” he said.

“You did enough for me yesterday.” Ryuji stopped talking, struggling with the words. “Really… This ain’t nothin’ in comparison.”

His low, serious voice made something twist inside Goro. Instead of answering in that same, honest manner, he chose to change the subject again.

“Was I _that good_ in bed?”

That question made Ryuji stare at him, then a small chuckle left his lips.

“That too, I guess,” he said.

That exchange seemed to lighten the mood, but it didn’t last long. Soon the memories of the night they spent together came back to Goro’s mind, and he could tell by Ryuji’s expression that it was the same for him. He was still trying to think of another way to avert the subject to something less important when Ryuji finally broke the silence.

“I know this is kinda outta nowhere, but…” He hesitated. “Last night…”

“I acted without thinking,” said Goro. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take advantage of you.”

His words made Ryuji widen his eyes, surprised.

“You didn’t!” he said. “I mean… I kinda went with the flow too, but…” he looked at the floor, lowering his voice. “I’m glad things went like that. Gave me somethin’ else to think that wasn’t all this shit.”

Goro couldn’t find a way to answer, and his silence seemed to make Ryuji feel nervous.

“Sorry if it sounded weird,” said Ryuji.

“It didn’t.”

Ryuji nodded, relieved.

“I’ll start to make breakfast, then.” He offered Goro a slight smile. “I’m gettin’ hungry here… Where do you keep your cookware?”

Goro showed Ryuji his tiny collection of cookware, including a frying pan that still had a plastic wrapping around it. He received a judging look from Ryuji, but chose to pretend he didn’t notice it. When Ryuji had everything he needed to cook, Goro walked to the bathroom, finally getting the chance to wash his face after the alarming events of that morning. The cold water made him feel a little better, and he walked back to the kitchen, sitting on a chair, watching in silence as Ryuji prepared their breakfast. For a few minutes, he considered staying quiet to avoid another of those awkward moments; however, his need to ask that question was stronger than the one to avoid those serious subjects.

“Sakamoto…” He called, and Ryuji glanced at him over his shoulder. “Are you still thinking about…?”

He didn’t need to finish his phrase for Ryuji to understand, shaking his head in response.

“I ain’t gonna do it,” he assured.

Goro couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t answer his question.

“But is it still on your mind?” he insisted.

Ryuji faced the stove again, hesitating a little before answering.

“Kinda.”

Neither of them spoke for a while. Goro started to believe the conversation would end there when Ryuji’s voice called his attention.

“To be honest, it’s kinda been there since middle school,” he said. “It got worse after I got in trouble with a teacher last year. Everyone started treatin’ me like a delinquent, and spread rumors about me and my family…” He stopped for a moment. “But the worse thing was when my mom apologized to me for raisin’ me without a father.”

As soon as he said that, Ryuji let out a small, frustrated groan.

“Sorry…” he added quickly. “Didn’t mean to talk about—”

“No,” Goro interrupted him. “Please, go on.”

Ryuji considered it for a moment, then agreed with a small nod.

“It just feels like there’s no reason for me to be here,” he admitted. “Like I’m doin’ more bad than good to everyone around me… and like, no matter what I do, I’ll just end up hurtin’ others or gettin’ hurt instead. Really… Sometimes it’s scary to even leave my room, ‘cause I never know when I’ll do somethin’ stupid that’ll make people hate me even more.” He took a deep breath, seeming tired, then glanced at Goro over his shoulder. “So, yeah… I thought about doin’ it many times, but never got the courage to actually go through with it. And then I met Akira—”

He went silent immediately after saying that name. For a moment, his face was taken by that same pain from the day before. It worried Goro a little.

“Sorry…” muttered Ryuji, looking away. “It’s kinda hard to talk about him.”

Goro observed him, debating with himself if he should insist on that subject or not. That expression he saw in Ryuji’s face seconds before made him take that risk.

“You really like him, don’t you?”

Ryuji turned to look at him again, and for a moment Goro was sure that he had asked the wrong question.

“Akira?” A bitter smile took Ryuji’s lips. “I love him.”

That revelation was so sudden that Goro could do nothing but stare at Ryuji, wide-eyed. Ryuji averted his gaze.

“It’s kinda gross, ain’t it?” he asked in a mutter.

Ryuji apparently had interpreted his reaction in the wrong way. It should be obvious to him by that point that Goro actually felt attraction toward men as well—especially after the previous night,—but maybe the thought of being _in love_ with another guy made it seem worse to him. What had actually surprised Goro, however, was how obvious it became after Ryuji said it out loud: during their time in the same group, Ryuji always seemed to have his eyes on Akira, standing by his side like a loyal knight, ready to fight anyone who got in his way—including Goro himself. Even in the Metaverse, they always fought side by side, watching each other’s backs; if Akira got wounded, Ryuji was the first to bring him a healing item, and whenever a shadow tried to harm him, Ryuji would take the hit without a second thought.

“No, it’s not,” said Goro. “I was just surprised.”

But it also made things even worse, didn’t it? As if being rejected and hurt by his friends wasn’t enough, being rejected by the person he loved as well…

“I think he’s the reason why it hurts so much,” admitted Ryuji in a mutter. “Akira gave me a reason to keep goin’… He was the first person in I don’t know how long to look at me like…” It took him a moment to find the words. “Like I was worth _somethin’._ In such a short time he became everythin’ to me, and… I did everythin’ I could to make sure he was feelin’ safe and happy, but—”

Ryuji’s voice cracked, and he needed a few seconds before proceeding.

“I was so glad to see that he was fine… But then, when everyone turned against me, he just… stayed there, with this blank look in his face. Ann and the others at least were mad at me, but Akira…” Ryuji raised his voice, frustrated. “He didn’t seem to feel anythin’ at all! Like it didn’t even matter to him if I lived or died!”

He stopped talking, shutting his eyes and taking a few deep breaths, as if making an effort to not start crying. He succeeded, letting out an exhausted sigh.

“I think it’d be easier to deal with this if he had just yelled at me, or punched me, like everyone else,” he added.

“It would still be wrong,” said Goro. “You should just put it in your head that you didn’t do anything to deserve that. You could have died, and all because you tried to save them. Can you even tell me what reason they had to be angry at you?”

Ryuji shifted his weight from one foot to the other, furrowing his brow.

“I don’t understand it either,” he admitted after a while. “I tried to think of a reason, but I can’t… That’s why I think they were just puttin’ up with me, and kinda felt relieved when they thought I died.”

Goro still couldn’t believe that was the case, but after working as a detective for so long, he knew that words meant nothing without evidence—and, unfortunately, all the evidence seemed to point to that same conclusion. Ryuji forced a small laugh, focusing his attention on the food again.

“I said I’d cook for you as thanks, but instead I just keep talkin’ and talkin’ about myself…” he shook his head. “Sorry for ramblin’ about this stuff.”

“It’s fine,” answered Goro. “I suppose it’s good to let these things out.”

Ryuji didn’t answer.

“I’m almost finished here,” he said after a while. “You can set the table for us to make things quicker.”

Goro didn’t know if it would be better to make Ryuji talk more about his feelings or give him some space to think, so he simply did as he said. Soon Ryuji brought the food to the table, which consisted of rice, grilled fish, egg rolls, and miso soup. A very traditional Japanese breakfast… Goro would be lying if he said that he expected something like that.

“Do you eat like this every day?” he asked.

“Not really…” Ryuji shrugged. “But I didn’t really know what kinda food you like, so this seemed like the safest option.”

The idea that Ryuji put so much thought into something so simple made Goro smile to himself.

“It smells delicious,” he said.

“Yeah,” Ryuji showed a slight smile. “I ain’t such a bad cook, y’know?”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

Ryuji didn’t answer, but he had a confident glint in his eyes when Goro started to eat.

“So?” he asked.

Goro sighed, defeated.

“Fine, I admit…” he said. “It _is_ delicious.”

Ryuji hummed to himself, satisfied.

“Told ya.”

He seemed so proud of himself that Goro almost giggled. Instead, he kept eating. He couldn’t even remember the last time he ate homemade food like that, and it felt strangely nostalgic for some reason—sweet, but also a little sad. He tried to push those feelings away, not needing a reason to get emotional over breakfast, from all things.

“If I knew you could cook this well, I would have brought you in earlier,” he said in a playful tone.

Ryuji chuckled, shaking his head.

“I don’t think any of us would be happy with that.”

“A fair point,” agreed Akechi.

They finished their meal without talking much more, then Ryuji offered to do the dishes for him. As he did, Goro dried them with a dishcloth and put them back in place, more to avoid feeling useless than for actually wanting to work. When alone, he mostly ate from the disposable takeout containers in order to avoid having to clean the kitchen.

When they were finished, Goro walked to the couch, and Ryuji followed him, sitting on the opposite side of it. Goro half expected another moment of awkward silence, so, before it could happen, he spoke what had been on his mind for a while.

“What are you going to do now?”

Ryuji looked at him, seeming slightly lost.

“Huh?”

“Are you going back home?” clarified Goro.

That mere suggestion was enough to make Ryuji’s face lose its color.

“I…”

He stopped talking, biting his lip and fidgeting with the end of his own t-shirt. Goro waited in silence as he sorted out his thoughts.

“Akechi…” muttered Ryuji. “I know I’m askin’ a lot, but… Can I stay here another night?”

Goro wasn’t surprised to hear that.

“It’s fine by me,” he said, “but are you sure?”

Ryuji hesitated for a moment, then nodded.

“I don’t wanna go back yet,” he said. “If I see them right now, I’ll start to think some dumb shit again.”

“I understand.”

For some reason, Akechi’s answer seemed to make Ryuji even more nervous.

“I’m sorry for askin’ this… I’ll find a way to repay you.” He thought a little. “I can cook for you again, if you want. I’m good at housework too, so—”

“Calm down, Sakamoto,” asked Akechi. “I already said you can stay. You don’t need to convince me any further.”

Ryuji looked at him, a veil of guilt covering his face.

“You sure it’s fine?” he asked. “I was kinda expectin’ you to kick me out.”

That blunt comment stung a little, but Akechi knew he couldn’t blame Ryuji for expecting the worst from him.

“I have no reason to do that,” answered Akechi. “And I told you before… I don’t want you to die. Even if you say you’re not going to do it, I’m not willing to take the risk.”

Ryuji nodded again. Seconds later, a tiny smile appeared on his lips.

“Thanks,” he muttered.

Akechi dismissed it with a brief gesture.

“But I’ll consider your offer to cook for me again,” he added.

“Whenever you want,” answered Ryuji.

He expected the conversation to end there, but after seeming lost in thoughts for a while, Ryuji broke the silence.

“Y’know…” he started to say. “I talked forever about myself earlier, but… What about you?”

The question got Akechi by surprise.

“I already said everything I had to say yesterday.”

“Did you really?” insisted Ryuji.

Goro didn’t answer. Ryuji shifted a little over the couch, seeming restless.

“Hey…” he said after a while. “I know I’m not the best person to talk to, but if you need to… y’know…”

He stopped talking. Goro looked at him, and before he could hold it back, a small, humorless chuckle escaped his lips. Ryuji stared at him, confused.

“What?”

Goro shook his head.

“It’s just funny that you, from all people, are worried about me,” he said.

“‘Course I am,” retorted Ryuji. “No one should deal with all that shit on their own.”

He lowered his gaze, hesitating a little before proceeding.

“And, if it wasn’t for you, I’d probably have jumped in front of a train already, and caused a problem to a bunch of people.”

Goro frowned at that comment.

“Is inconveniencing people _really_ your first concern when it comes to this?” he asked.

“It ain’t like that…” answered Ryuji. “But if I’m gonna die, then I better do it in a way I won’t—”

“You won’t do anything while you stay here in my apartment,” Goro interrupted him. “And I’m not allowing you to leave until you stop thinking about killing yourself.”

“You mean you’re lockin’ me in?” Ryuji raised his eyebrow. “I know I’m the one who asked to stay, but that sounded kinda creepy…”

“If that’s what it takes to keep you from doing something stupid.”

“I told you I ain’t gonna—”

Ryuji stopped talking, then stared at Goro with an annoyed expression.

“Wait… Don’t change the subject!”

“Did I?” asked Goro.

“Yeah! We were talkin’ about you, not me!”

Goro sighed, but Ryuji didn’t seem about to let the subject go.

“What do you even want me to say?” asked Goro.

“Whatever is botherin’ you.” He considered the situation for a second. “Hey… It’s not like I wanna intrude in your life, or whatever. But if there’s anythin’ I can do to help, even if it’s just listenin’...”

“Shouldn’t you be more concerned about yourself?” retorted Goro. “You’re the one who said you were about to jump in front of a train, not me.”

“Yeah, but just ‘cause I thought about it, doesn’t mean I can’t worry about you too,” Ryuji let out a frustrated sigh. “C’mon… We’re kinda in the same boat here.”

His answer was enough for Goro to look at him in silent disbelief.

“Listen, Sakamoto…” he said. “I’ll be honest with you. As you are right now, you can barely deal with your own problems. How do you expect to deal with mine as well?”

Ryuji stared at Akechi, then lowered his gaze, not seeming to know how to respond. Akechi observed him for a moment.

“See?” he said. “That’s why I—”

“That’s the problem,” Ryuji interrupted him. “You’re gettin’ outta your way to help me, already. You let me stay here, you listened to all the shit I talked about, and… I just wanna do somethin’ in return.”

“You already cooked for me.”

“It ain’t enough!”

His elevated voice made Goro blink, surprised.

“Can’t you understand it?” proceeded Ryuji, frustrated. “You saved my fuckin’ life! Nothin’ I do will ever be enough!” As if noticing his own loud tone, Ryuji looked away, taking a deep breath before continuing in a lower voice. “I know you’re hurtin’ too… That’s why I wanna help. Not only ‘cause you helped me when I needed, but ‘cause I care about your life too.”

Goro stayed silent for a while. Part of him could understand the feeling behind Ryuji’s words, but, at the same time, it was difficult for him to fully believe what he was saying. However, he knew how bad listening to that negative part of him could be. Now more than ever.

“Maybe it didn’t seem like much to you,” he said, “but I really appreciate how you went through the trouble to make something for me. Since I started to live on my own, I bothered less and less about these small things, like a homemade meal. It even seemed pointless to go through all that work only to eat on my own. So I never bothered to…”

He stopped, clicking his tongue, frustrated.

“Shit… You’re making me talk.”

“I didn’t do anythin’,” answered Ryuji, looking at him with a soft smile. “But, please… don’t stop.”

Goro bit the inside of his lip, debating with himself for a while, staring at his own hands.

“I really shouldn’t do this…” he muttered.

Ryuji moved a little closer to him, making Goro raise his eyes again.

“Akechi…” said Ryuji. “Maybe you’re right, and I really can’t deal with all this stuff on my own. But, if you’re gonna help me, then lemme try and do the same for you. It means nothin’ to spare my feelings if you’re the one dealin’ with everythin’ by yourself.”

Goro hated how much sense his words made.

“You’re so persistent…” he muttered in an exasperated tone.

“Ain’t that a good thing?”

“When it’s used against me? No.” Goro shook his head, trying to find the words to proceed, but failing. “I’m not sure of what I’m even supposed to say.”

Ryuji thought for a moment.

“You said it’s been a while since you last ate homemade food…” he remembered. “When exactly did you start livin’ on your own?”

“When I was fourteen,” answered Goro. “That’s when I started to work for Shido, and he gave me this apartment. Before that, I went from one foster family to the next, but it never worked out.”

That statement made Ryuji seem concerned.

“Did they treat you badly?” he asked.

“No…” A pained smile took his lips. “I was the problem, actually. Now I can see that most of them tried their best to make me fit in, but… I wasn’t willing to cooperate. I convinced myself that they should have ulterior motives to take care of me, and would hurt me as soon as they had a chance.” Putting those feelings into words caused a dull pain in his chest. “So, I pushed them away before it happened. With time, even the more persistent ones gave up.”

Goro could tell Ryuji’s gaze was upon him, but didn’t find the courage to look at his face. With every single word he said, it became clearer that it had been his own fault from the very beginning, and he was ashamed of it.

“Do you regret it?” asked Ryuji.

“Yes,” admitted Goro in a low voice. “Maybe if I was a better person, my life would be different now. I could… Maybe I could have all the things I ever wanted to. But I was so blinded by my own anger that I couldn’t see the good on anyone.” He laughed, exhausted. “And now, I have nothing left. Not even that stupid revenge.”

Ryuji offered him his hand, and, after hesitating for a second, Goro held it.

“Things might look pretty bad now,” said Ryuji, “but it’s not over yet. You can still find somethin’ else to live for.”

“That’s hard to believe.”

“I know.” Saying that, Ryuji squeezed his hand a little. “But, for now… just let it out, okay?”

That gentle voice and gesture were almost painful to Goro.

“The more I think about everything, the surer I become that I should have died back there,” he admitted. “If I did, at least it would have served a purpose.”

“Maybe,” said Ryuji. “And you’d also never get a second chance.”

“Do I even deserve a second chance?”

“I think you do.”

Goro shook his head.

“You know what I did,” he said.

“Yeah, and I know how bad it’s hurtin’ you right now.”

“Even if it is, it doesn’t change anything.”

“It does!” insisted Ryuji. “It changed you. It made you realize that what you did was wrong. And now you can try to make it better… Even if you can’t change what you did, you can still do good things from now on. Make sure it wasn’t for nothin’.”

His words made Goro think for a while.

“I know you’re right…” he said. “But right now I can’t see a way out of this mess. Maybe dying would have been an easier solution.”

“But not the best, or the only one.”

“I suppose…” admitted Goro. “To be honest, it’s frightening to think of how my life will be from now on. It’s as I said, I don’t even know who I am anymore…” A bitter smile took his lips. “Other than the Detective Prince, of course.”

Ryuji absentmindedly caressed Goro’s hand with his thumb, and Goro couldn’t hold back a tiny smile at that caring gesture.

“You ain’t pretendin’ when you’re with me, right?” Ryuji’s question brought Goro’s attention back to that conversation.

“No,” he admitted. “I don’t feel like I need to.”

Ryuji smiled, relieved.

“Well, I guess this is a start,” he said. “You just need to get used to… _not pretendin’,_ like right now.”

“Easier said than done.”

“Yeah, I know… But it’s somethin’, right?”

“I suppose.”

Goro considered his words for a moment, then let out a long sigh.

“Well, there you have it,” he said. “All my woes wrapped with a shiny ribbon. Satisfied?”

He expected an equally sarcastic retort, but instead, Ryuji offered him a gentle smile.

“Thanks for trustin’ me,” he said.

He didn’t know how to react to that genuine answer, so he rolled his eyes.

“Stop being so nice,” he said, moving his hand away from Ryuji’s. “It’s making me angry.”

“I… sorry…?” Ryuji arched his eyebrow. “Man… why you gotta be so difficult?”

“It’s called my personality,” Goro sighed. “And I’m not used to talking about my feelings, so I don’t know how to act right now.”

He said that in a sarcastic tone, but it was true, and Ryuji probably knew that.

“Just don’t kick me out, okay?” said Ryuji.

“I won’t.” Goro grinned as a thought crossed his mind. “But after hearing all this, you’ll _definitely_ have to cook for me again.”

“Can I use food to pay my rent?”

“Yes. Your body too.”

Ryuji stared at him in amused disbelief.

“Way to sound like an old creep…” he muttered.

“Are you saying you didn’t enjoy it?”

It was satisfying for Goro to notice that, now, Ryuji was the one getting flustered.

“That ain’t it,” admitted Ryuji.

Goro’s grin widened. He placed his hand on the side of Ryuji’s neck, caressing it as he leaned in his direction, bringing his lips close to Ryuji’s ear.

“Then,” he whispered, “does that mean you _did_ enjoy it?”

He could feel the shiver that went down Ryuji’s body, and by itself it was answer enough.

“Did you?” he insisted.

A few seconds of silence followed his words.

“What if I say I did?” asked Ryuji.

A wave of excitement started to take Goro’s body. He looked into Ryuji’s eyes, then closed that small distance, kissing his lips. They lied back on the couch, Goro on top of Ryuji, placing himself between his legs.

“I let you do whatever you wanted to me last night…” he whispered. “I think I’ve more than earned my turn.”

“Ah…”

Ryuji’s whole body became tense, making Goro stop as well. _Was he pushing Ryuji too far?_ At that moment, all Goro wanted was to keep his own mind away from those bad thoughts, just like they did on the previous night. However, maybe Ryuji didn’t feel that same need.

“Is that a no?” he asked, unsure.

“No…” answered Ryuji. “That’s not it.”

Despite his answer, Goro couldn’t help but worry. He thought about their situation, and wondered if Ryuji had interpreted it in a totally different way than he intended.

“You know I’m not trying to force you, right?” he asked. “I wasn’t serious when I said you should pay with—”

“I know,” interrupted Ryuji.

Goro observed him for a while longer. With how things had turned out on the previous night, they didn’t have the chance to talk about their situation when it came to that kind of intimacy. He moved away from Ryuji, sitting on his own feet.

“Listen, Sakamoto… ” he said. “I don’t want you to think that you owe me this. If you tell me to stop, I won’t hold it against you, or ask you to leave.”

“Okay,” Ryuji hesitated a little before proceeding. “I’m just not used to this yet.”

“We can do it like last time, if you prefer,” suggested Akechi. “I don’t mind it.”

“No, it’s fine.” Ryuji sighed impatiently, staring at Goro. “Dude, listen… I only _kissed_ one girl until yesterday, and suddenly I’m doin’ this for the second time in _two days_. Just let me panic a little, okay?”

Well… That was an understandable argument. Goro was so used to his partners seeking him out that anything less than the usual _overenthusiastic_ consent seemed off to him. He laughed to himself, trying to keep in mind that Ryuji wasn’t a fan—far from it, actually.

“Fair enough,” he said. “Panic as much as you want. I’ll be here, doing my part.”

He leaned in Ryuji’s direction again, kissing his neck while caressing his stomach under his t-shirt. Ryuji let out a small groan.

“You ain’t helpin’,” he said.

“I’m not trying to,” answered Goro, with his lips still against Ryuji’s skin. “I’m just enjoying myself.”

“You’re such an ass…”

Goro chuckled. He raised his body, reaching for Ryuji’s pants, undoing them while looking at his face.

“Is that so?” he asked. “Because, as far as I remember, you agreed to it.”

Ryuji twisted his lips, not seeming to know how to respond. Goro didn’t give him the chance to find a retort, however, pulling his pants and underwear down, taking them off, throwing them to the side. Ryuji observed him in quiet anticipation, and Goro offered him a smirk before going down between his legs.

A surprised gasp left Ryuji’s lips, and it was enough motivation for Goro to continue. They soon moved from the couch to the bed, and, unlike the previous night, took their time with the kisses, touches, and slight provocations, until both were at their limits. Without that desperate need for warmth and affection, Goro could pay more attention to Ryuji himself, from his reactions to the details of his body, like the light freckles on his shoulders and back, the big scar on his leg, or how surprisingly soft his hair felt against his fingers. It wasn’t only pleasurable, but also… intimate, in a way that made him feel restless, while also craving for more of that mutual acceptance and reluctant fondness.

By the end of it, Goro surprised himself wanting to stay in bed with Ryuji, and hold him close for a while longer. He resisted it, getting up and walking to his wardrobe, searching it for a moment.

“You can use the shower first,” he said, giving Ryuji a towel. “I’ll let you borrow my clothes until we wash yours.”

“Okay.”

Ryuji walked to the bathroom, and Goro followed him with his gaze until he closed the door. He sighed, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling for a while. _Wasn’t he enjoying that complicated situation a bit too much?_

He hadn’t realized until then how starved of affection he actually was. Once again, he had acted without thinking, being left with a bitter feeling of guilt, as if he was taking advantage of Ryuji during a delicate moment.

Goro got up from the bed minutes later, searching for some clothes that Ryuji could use—thankfully they weren’t too different in size. When the clothes were already on the bed, Goro stayed in place, still tormented by his thoughts. He only came back to reality when he heard the sound of the bathroom door opening. Ryuji came out of it, with his hair wet and only a towel around his waist. Goro averted his gaze.

“Here are your clothes,” he said, indicating them with a gesture.

“Ah, thanks!”

Ryuji sat on the border of the mattress, then started to get dressed. Goro observed him for a while, in silence.

“Sakamoto…” he said. “Are you really fine with doing these things with me?”

The sudden question made Ryuji look at him, in slight disbelief.

“You still worried about that?” he asked.

Goro didn’t know how to answer. Ryuji stood up and, to his surprise, placed a hand on his arm, caressing it.

“It’s fine,” he said. “I said I wanted it too, didn’t I?”

“I suppose…”

That unexpected gesture made it more difficult for Goro to face him. He only did when the low sound of Ryuji laughing caught his attention.

“Man…” muttered Ryuji. “You’re more caring than you look.”

Goro arched his brow in response.

“Was that supposed to be a compliment?” he asked.

It was Ryuji’s turn to avoid an answer, a soft smile still on his lips.

“I’m fine with this,” he said. “Really.”

“If you say so.”

Ryuji moved his hand away from Goro’s arm, touching his face with his palm instead. Before Goro had the chance to react to that gesture, Ryuji leaned in his direction, getting on the tip of his toes to place a kiss on his cheek.

“Now go take a shower,” he said. “The water is really nice.”

Goro agreed, walking to the bathroom without another word. He turned on the shower and let the warm water fall over him for a while, staring at the wall, his mind far away from there, still in that room, feeling Ryuji’s fingers and lips brushing against his face. Such a simple gesture, and it had been enough to make his heart pound as if it was about to leave his chest.

Physical intimacy had never been embarrassing to him, or difficult to handle. However, it was those small things Ryuji did that really got to him, like holding his hand while he was distressed, or kissing his face to reassure him. He had no reason to do any of that, especially to someone like Goro, and still…

Goro bit his lip, leaning forward until his forehead was resting against the wall. Those things got to him because Ryuji didn’t get _anything_ out of them. He did that for no other reason than to make Goro feel better when he needed it. Maybe that was just how Ryuji Sakamoto was… They had never been close, but Goro always had the impression that he was the kind of person who gave his all for the sake of others. Not only Goro, but anyone around him who was in need of support or reassurance.

Despite knowing all this, Goro still needed some minutes for his heart to finally calm down.


	3. Chapter 3

Goro left the shower a few minutes later. His mind was still filled with those complicated thoughts, but he managed to hide them behind a composed mask. He found Ryuji sitting on his bed, with his back against the wall.

“You did nothing but stare at the ceiling while I was away?” asked Goro with a half-smile.

“You expected me to go through your stuff and find somethin’ to do?”

His answer was a low, brief chuckle. Goro searched his wardrobe then changed into his casual clothes. It reminded him that he hadn’t paid much attention to how Ryuji looked in his clothes, so Goro observed him for a while: dark-gray pants and a blue, long-sleeved blouse… The clothes by themselves weren’t that impressive, but seeing Ryuji wearing something that wasn’t the Shujin uniform or a bright-colored t-shirt was somewhat refreshing.

“You look good in those,” he said.

Ryuji twisted his lips, looking away from him.

“I really can’t tell if you’re complimentin’ me or your taste in clothes.”

_Was he embarrassed?_ Goro laughed to himself. For someone so flashy, Ryuji seemed to have a hard time accepting compliments. He had learned about that detail just a little earlier, after saying that Ryuji’s voice sounded nice, which resulted in a flustered face and a failed attempt to stay quiet. He had to make an effort to not provoke him any further.

“Maybe a little of both.”

Saying that, he placed his knee on the bed, leaning in Ryuji’s direction and stealing a brief kiss before proceeding.

“If you’ll be staying here, then you should find something to do. If you have nothing to distract you, you’ll start to overthink things again.”

Ryuji groaned, but didn’t protest.

“Either way,” proceeded Goro, “I’ll probably stay inside for a while as well, so if there’s anything you need, just ask me.”

“You can go out if you want,” answered Ryuji in a low voice. “You don’t need to keep an eye on me all the time… I said I won’t do anythin’.”

“But what if I leave you alone and you make a mess in my apartment?”

That silly comment made Ryuji show a tiny smile.

“Are you sayin’ I’m like a dog?” he asked.

Goro simply smiled in response. He sat beside Ryuji, considering the situation for a moment.

“To be honest, I just don’t feel like getting out of here,” he admitted. “I don’t know what I should do yet, and I don’t know if I’m ready to think about it either.”

“I think I get it.”

Ryuji moved closer to him, then leaned against his arm, resting his head on Goro’s shoulder. Goro still didn’t know how to deal with that casual proximity, but didn’t make a big deal out of it, placing an arm around Ryuji’s waist.

“Since you mentioned it…” said Ryuji after a while. “Whaddya do to pass the time?”

“I solve puzzles and do crosswords.”

That answer made Ryuji stare at him in disbelief. Goro laughed.

“I’m just kidding,” he said, then thought for a second. “Well, I have some books, movies, games…”

“You play games?” asked Ryuji, surprised.

“Yes… but that’s a secret,” Goro sighed. “Can’t let people know that the famous detective Goro Akechi is just a common teenager with common interests.”

“Dude… You’re far from common,” Ryuji shook his head. “But I get what you mean. It must’ve been really annoyin' to hide so much stuff about yourself.”

“I got used to it,” a brief pause. “Maybe a little too used.”

He sounded more tired than he wanted. Ryuji looked at him for a while, then showed a soft smile.

“I’m feelin’ kinda special right now…” he said in a playful tone. “Uncoverin’ all the secrets of Goro Akechi.”

“Don’t let it get to your head.”

Ryuji hummed to himself, seeming excited with the idea.

“Can I see the games you’ve got?” he asked.

“As long as you don’t tell on me.”

Goro opened his wardrobe again, taking a shoebox from it, then a slightly bigger one. Ryuji opened the shoebox, which contained his portable consoles and a few games for them. The second one had a small collection of games for his main console, which was hidden in the lower part of the TV rack. Ryuji observed each title with interest, commenting on the ones that caught his attention—usually the ones he liked as well. It was embarrassing to Goro how many comfort games he had, so he was relieved when Ryuji didn’t make fun of him for his collection of farming simulators.

“You have a bunch of them,” said Ryuji, after going through both boxes. “How did you buy all of these without people findin’ out?”

“I usually buy them online,” explained Goro. “I was always afraid someone would recognize me if I went to a store.”

Ryuji nodded, then furrowed his brow.

“There ain’t nothin’ wrong with likin’ games, though,” he said.

“Maybe not,” agreed Goro. “But my image revolves around me being…” he spent a moment trying to find the right word. “Well, perfect. Many of my fans come from conservative families who see these things as nothing but a waste of time. Hobbies like reading, and drinking tea in sophisticated teashops are far more acceptable.”

“Do you at least like those things?”

Goro considered it for a second. It was strange how now he had to think better about the things he _liked_ , to make sure they weren’t just part of his act.

“I like sweets in general, so visiting teashops was never a problem,” he said. “I only had to make sure to exercise enough during the week… It’s easy for me to gain weight, so I have to take care of my appearance.” He made a pause, glancing at his bookshelf. “As for reading, I had to choose very well the titles I took with me to school, or anywhere else. Mostly classics…” a bitter smile took his lips. “To show how above the other teenagers I am.”

That last comment made Ryuji roll his eyes.

“Dude… No wonder I thought you were annoyin’ as fuck,” he said. “Everythin’ I knew about you was damn fake.”

“Unfortunately.”

Ryuji observed him for a while, and Goro had the impression that he was comparing that previous, perfect Goro Akechi to the one in front of him at that very moment. He thought the comparison would make him feel uncomfortable, but it didn’t actually bother him. If anything, he was glad to finally be able to let go of that act.

“So, whaddya read at home?” asked Ryuji after a while.

Goro smiled, knowing his answer would probably kill his previous teachers of classic literature.

“Science fiction, terror, and fantasy,” he said. “Mystery too, but sometimes it makes me more frustrated than anything else.”

“Why?” Ryuji raised his eyebrow at him. “You’re too smart for those?”

“I don’t appreciate your tone,” Goro narrowed his eyes, then shook his head. “But no… I just don’t like it when the plot twist comes out of nowhere. It feels like the author was more concerned about shocking the reader than telling a good, coherent story.”

That comment made him remember one of the books he had finished recently, and before he knew it, he was already telling the whole story to Ryuji, including that ridiculous plot twist villain that made no sense with the rest of the narrative. Ryuji was a good listener, even when it came to small things like that, and his interest only made Goro want to talk more. He only stopped when he realized that he had been talking without a pause for over ten minutes.

“Sorry for rambling,” he said in a slightly embarrassed tone. “I suppose I get too enthusiastic when I talk about these things.”

“Nah… don’t worry about it, man.” Ryuji shrugged, offering him a kind smile. “It’s fun to hear, and it ain’t like you had the chance to talk about it to other people.

Goro agreed with a nod.

“I still feel like I’m talking too much, though,” he said. “Why don’t you talk a little about the things _you_ like to read?”

“I don’t read many books, really…” admitted Ryuji. “I’m more of a manga kinda guy.”

“Really?”

He didn’t want to sound so surprised, but as a person who loved so much to read, it was always strange to see someone who didn’t share that same interest.

“Books are hard to read…” explained Ryuji. “If I read more than one page my mind will shut-down and I’ll start to think about anythin’ else.”

“Even if you’re interested in the story?”

“Yeah. I like manga better ‘cause I can see what’s happening.” He gestured briefly to convey his point. “Makes things easier to follow.”

Goro thought about that for a while.

“You never tried to listen to audiobooks before?” he asked.

“Not really,” admitted Ryuji.

“You should try it later, it might work better for you.” Goro gestured toward his phone, over the nightstand. “I have quite a few to choose from.”

“Ah, okay. Thanks.”

Ryuji didn’t seem too convinced that it would help, but Goro didn’t insist on the subject for the moment.

“So,” he said, “do you want to play something?”

“Yeah!”

They chose a game with a multiplayer mode, then moved to the couch. Ryuji wasn’t as good at it as Goro, but being able to play with someone was already fun. He didn’t miss the chance to make fun of Ryuji’s lack of skill, of course, which came back at him as soon as he made a stupid mistake that cost both of their characters’ lives.

“Just look at the prodigy detective guy…” said Ryuji, indicating the game over screen. “So perfect, so smart… Until he sees a fuckin’ spider and jumps outta a cliff. Takin’ me with him. Fuckin’ amazing…”

“It wasn’t intentional,” answered Goro. “It just caught me by surprise.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Ryuji’s mocking grin soon became a curious expression. “Are you scared of spiders?”

“I can’t say I’m too fond of them, and the same goes for insects.” Goro selected the ‘continue’ option, determined to not die again in that part. “I think they’re disgusting, but I wouldn’t say I’m scared of them. If I find one in my bedroom, I’ll just kill it and move on with my day.”

“Okay, good…” answered Ryuji. “‘Cause I fuckin’ hate those bastards, so if one gets in here, you gotta save my life.”

That comment was a little surprising to Goro.

“I thought you were that kind of kid that played with bugs,” he said.

“I mean, I’ve got nothin’ against grasshoppers, or butterflies and stuff…” A slight grimace covered Ryuji’s face. “But if I see a damn flyin’ roach I’ll probably lock myself in the bathroom until someone takes care of it.”

Imagining the scene made Goro laugh to himself.

“If you make me face a flying roach, you better be ready to make it up for me later,” he said.

“Dude… If you saved me from one of those flyin’ demons I’d do anythin’ you asked me.”

Goro glanced at him, a provocative smile taking his lips.

“That gives me some ideas…” he said.

“That was quick…” muttered Ryuji, to then widen his eyes at the game. “Shit, fuck!”

Another of those big spiders had appeared, and was now chasing his character, to Goro’s amusement.

“Does your offer still stand with virtual spiders?” he asked.

“C’mon, dude!” answered Ryuji, making his character run around in circles to avoid the creature. “Just fuckin’ kill it already!”

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.”

But before Goro could do anything, the spider finally reached Ryuji’s character, inflicting a critical hit that drained his whole health bar at once, to then eat him. The two of them simply stared at the scene in complete silence until Ryuji’s character respawned, seconds later. Ryuji paused the game, glaring at Goro.

“I can’t believe you let this happen!” he said.

“Isn’t the thought that counts?”

Ryuji raised his eyebrow, then indicated the screen with a broad gesture.

“You let a giant spider _eat me!”_ he answered.

Goro averted his gaze, letting a disappointed sigh escape his lips.

“Not the best time to ask for a second round, I suppose…”

“Fuck no!” answered Ryuji. “I can’t trust you again after this.”

“What if _I_ do anything you ask _me,_ instead?”

Ryuji considered it briefly.

“Fine,” he said, then gestured in Goro’s direction. “Gimme some space.”

It took Goro a second to understand what Ryuji wanted, then he moved back on the couch, so Ryuji could sit between his legs. The couch was just wide enough for them to fit like that, and Ryuji rested his back against Goro’s chest, seeming content with the result.

“Damn, this is comfy…” said Ryuji. “I think I can forgive you now.”

Goro couldn’t react for a while. In all honesty, he was expecting Ryuji to ask him something sexual, but then it came to him that it was _Ryuji Sakamoto_ he was talking about… Something like that shouldn’t be such a surprise. He smiled to himself, placing his arms around Ryuji’s waist, resting his chin on his shoulder.

“A punk like you have no right to be this cute, Sakamoto,” he muttered.

His answer made Ryuji groan, slightly flustered.

“Can’t you just spend, like… a whole minute without makin’ fun of me?”

“I wasn’t.” Goro placed a kiss on the side of his neck. “But I suppose this really feels good.”

“Right?”

Ryuji hummed to himself, unpausing the game.

“Is it that easy to make you happy?” asked Goro in an amused voice.

“Yeah,” answered Ryuji. “I’m powered by food and cuddles.”

Somehow, Goro didn’t doubt that was the truth.

“Alright…” he said, sliding his lips and nose through the crook of Ryuji’s neck. “I’ll make sure you have a lot of energy while you stay here.”

“Great!”

Goro couldn’t help but stare at Ryuji: that was probably the first genuine big smile he showed since the previous night, and seeing it filled Goro’s chest with a feeling of accomplishment that he simply couldn’t explain…

And maybe something else.

Ryuji was far from being unattractive, but, when it came to his appearance, he just wasn’t Goro’s type; for that reason, during all that time since they first met each other, Goro had never associated the word “beautiful” to him. Yet, at that moment, it was everything he could think about.

“Hey, Akechi…” Ryuji’s voice brought him back to reality. “Swords don’t work with that guy.”

It took Goro a moment to realize that he was absentmindedly trying to kill a stone golem with his blade.

“Ah, of course…” he said, a slight grin taking his face. “I was still distracted by your sad death from just now.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Ryuji rolled his eyes. “And now I’m mad about it again.”

“At least now I know you can’t stay mad for too long.”

“Don’t use it against me, okay?”

Goro considered it for a moment, an amused smile taking his lips.

“Maybe I will,” he said.

“Asshole.”

They spent most of that day playing together, and when evening came, Goro touched the subject of audiobooks again, lending Ryuji his old cell phone so he would be able to listen to them if he felt like it, without the need to use his own phone—which he kept hidden inside his bag, far from his sight. This time Ryuji seemed more receptive to the idea, and Goro felt strangely proud to have contributed a little to awakening a new interest in him.

When both of them were already too tired to do anything else, they prepared to go to bed. To Goro’s surprise, however, Ryuji took his extra pillow and blanket and went back to the couch.

“Are you moving to the couch?” asked Goro.

“Yeah.” Ryuji showed a slightly embarrassed smile. “I was so tired yesterday that I fell asleep on your bed… Sorry about that.”

“We can share the bed.”

Ryuji seemed surprised by the suggestion.

“You sure…?” he asked.

The question almost made Goro laugh.

“We already fucked twice, and spent most of the day opening up to each other,” he said. “There shouldn’t be any barriers between us anymore.”

“You’ve got a point there,” admitted Ryuji.

Without further consideration, Ryuji walked back to the bed, lying beside Goro with his back turned to him. Goro still thought it was funny how Ryuji could be a cuddle-monster at one moment, only to act reserved at the next. But he didn’t comment on it, turning to the other side, facing the wall.

They stayed like that for a long time, with their backs turned to each other. Goro couldn’t fall asleep, and he had the feeling Ryuji was still awake as well. Without thinking much, he turned his body around, facing Ryuji, who soon did the same. Without a word, Goro raised his arm, giving Ryuji some room to accommodate himself against his chest, then held him close.

“This is gonna sound kinda weird,” muttered Ryuji, looking up at him, “but this feels good.”

“It really does,” agreed Goro with a grin. “I suppose this is why dogs are so popular.”

“You _gotta_ be such a bastard to me?”

“I’ll get embarrassed if I don’t, so leave me be.”

He hesitated for a moment, then placed a brief kiss on Ryuji’s forehead, making him giggle. That spontaneous, Ryuji-like way to express his fondness was still a little strange to him, but it was also far from being an unpleasant thing.

* * *

Before he knew it, what was supposed to be just another night became an entire week. Then two. Then almost three.

More often than not, they were either cuddling or fucking, without making a big deal out of either. At some point they also went from “Akechi and Sakamoto” to “Goro and Ryuji”, and that change was just a small proof of their growing intimacy. Not all days were good for the two of them, of course, and it didn’t take too long for them to learn to seek each other for comfort during a bad moment.

To tell the truth, Goro was already getting used to Ryuji’s presence. He had spent so much time either on his own or pretending to be someone else that he never stopped to think about how lonely he actually felt. Being able to act and talk without having to think much about either was a relief, and he could slowly feel that fake personality detaching from him, as well as the years of pain and anger, allowing Goro to see a glimpse of what was beneath it—someone who, despite all his flaws and mistakes, he liked better than everything he had tried to be for such a long time.

On that day, Goro woke up later than usual, to the sound of Ryuji coming back from the grocery store. Now that homemade meals had become part of his daily life, the two of them got into the habit of going out every other day to buy the ingredients they needed in a nearby grocery store, usually together. Goro would never admit it, but such a thing made him feel like they were a couple, which was a funny, but far from unpleasant thought.

Goro left the bed, still a little groggy, and approached Ryuji with a long yawn.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” he asked.

“Felt bad to,” answered Ryuji, briefly kissing his cheek. “You looked really cute.”

“You know compliments don’t work with me.”

An amused smile took Ryuji’s lips. He placed a hand on the side of Goro’s head, caressing his hair while placing a kiss on the side of his neck.

“You sure they don’t?” he asked in a whisper.

Goro simply smiled in response.

“I’ll go take a shower to see if I wake up,” he said. “Only half of my brain is working right now.”

“Okay,” answered Ryuji. “I’ll make breakfast.”

Goro left the kitchen, and when he came back the smell of food made his stomach growl. After that first day, Ryuji didn’t bother with making a full Japanese breakfast every morning, but his food was still delicious and made Goro look forward to his meals. He approached Ryuji again, noticing that he had his headphones on. After Goro’s suggestion, Ryuji gave audiobooks a try, and was surprised to realize they didn’t make his mind drift away as much as reading. Goro would be lying if he said he didn’t feel proud of himself for it. When Ryuji noticed his presence, he paused the book, taking out the headphones.

“Which one are you listening to this time?” asked Goro.

“The one where everyone is dyin’.”

“Which one?”

“There’s a bunch of assholes trapped on an island, and now someone’s killin’ them.”

Goro smiled at the realization that Ryuji had chosen another one from his list of recommendations.

“Oh… I know the one,” he said. “Are you liking it?”

“Yeah…” Ryuji offered him a smile. “It’s kinda fun to see those bastards gettin’ fucked.”

His answer made Goro laugh.

“And you say that with such a sweet smile on your face…” he commented.

“Maybe I’m spendin’ too much time with you…” answered Ryuji. “I’m gettin’ your dark humor too.”

“You’re slowly becoming a second Goro Akechi.”

Ryuji furrowed his brow, barely containing a smile.

“So _that_ was your plan…” he said. “First me, then the world.”

Goro groaned at that idea.

“I don’t think I want to live in a world like that,” he said.

“Yeah…” agreed Ryuji after thinking for a second. “I almost can’t stand a single one of you.”

His comment made Goro move closer, embracing his waist.

“And yet, you won’t let go of me,” he whispered.

Ryuji shrugged with a giggle.

“Guess I got used to it,” he said.

“Masochist…”

“That’s funny, comin’ from you.”

Goro kissed the side of his neck, then let go of his waist to set the table, which was close to an automatic action at that point. They had breakfast without haste, then spent the rest of their morning together, Goro reading a book while Ryuji played games in a portable console beside him on the couch. After a while, Ryuji lied down with his head on Goro’s lap, in one of those many gestures of trust and intimacy that Goro still wasn’t so good at reciprocating, but was quickly growing used to. To him, it was easy to express himself sexually, but when it came to pure affection, the kind that Ryuji was always so willingly giving him, he could do little else but try to mimic his gestures—an unexpected hug, a gentle caress, a soft kiss… To his own surprise, he caught himself enjoying all those things above anything else.

He placed a bookmarker between the pages before closing the book, then ran his fingers through Ryuji’s hair. Ryuji raised his eyes to him, offering him a smile before shifting his attention back to the game. Such a simple thing, an almost trivial exchange, and still, that was what made Goro finally realize that, for the first time in he didn’t even know how long, he felt… at peace. Happy.

His heart clenched at that thought. He still struggled with the idea that someone like him could deserve anything good, much less someone else’s affection. He averted his gaze, covering his mouth with a hand. Many thoughts tried to take his mind, but he fought to keep them away, telling himself that, even if Ryuji treated him with kindness, it didn’t make him special. it just made him like everyone else… Maybe still less than his friends. _Definitely_ less than Akira.

That thought caused a sharp pain in his chest, and this time Goro allowed himself to feel it. There was nothing wrong with enjoying moments like those, as long he didn’t start to expect anything else out of them or Ryuji. It would be foolish to do so.

Ryuji got up from his lap, closing the console and placing it on the coffee table, beside Goro’s book. Goro followed him with his gaze, and soon Ryuji’s eyes were on him. He leaned in Goro’s direction, gently tucking his hair behind his ear before leaning in for a kiss. Goro closed his eyes, placing a hand on the back of his head. _Slow, sweet…_ enough to make Goro’s heart melt inside his chest. When Ryuji broke the kiss, Goro offered him a slight grin.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“Just felt like it,” answered Ryuji with a shrug.

Moments like those made it even more difficult for Goro to keep those thoughts and feelings at bay. They made him yearn for something that he couldn’t name, and that feeling by itself was enough to fill his chest with anxiety. He made an effort not to let it overcome him, but looking at Ryuji’s brown eyes and soft smile made it too much to bear.

In a move that was almost instinctive, Goro pulled Ryuji again in his direction, and without a question, Ryuji closed his eyes, allowing Goro to kiss him. Goro placed a hand on the back of his head, caressing his hair while Ryuji did the same with the side of his neck. Goro was too aware of the warmth of Ryuji’s body, his breath, the low sounds that left his mouth as they deepened that kiss… Those sensations calmed him down a little, and he slowly allowed himself to think about nothing else.

His hands went down Ryuji’s body, then under his t-shirt, caressing his stomach, waist, and back. Without breaking the kiss, Ryuji moved over Goro, straddling his lap. Goro lowered his hands to Ryuji’s hips, while Ryuji took off his own t-shirt. During that first week, he would always let Goro take the lead whenever they did anything like that, but as the time passed and he got more used to it, he also gained enough confidence to do whatever he pleased as well, and Goro would be lying if he said he didn’t appreciate the change.

Ryuji slowly lifted Goro’s shirt, placing a trail of kisses from his chest to his stomach, his hands undoing Goro’s pants and sliding them down his legs. Goro watched him with anticipation, welcoming the warm feeling of his mouth around him, letting a loud moan escape his lips.

“Ryuji…” he called.

It didn’t take long for Goro to be reduced to a pile of groans and moans, burying his fingers in Ryuji’s hair as he reached his high. He closed his eyes, only trying to catch his breath for a moment, opening them again in time to see Ryuji sitting up and wiping his chin with the back of his hand. Goro grinned to himself: that surely was an amazing sight.

“Is it my turn now?” asked Goro as soon as he recovered his breath.

Ryuji answered with an amused smile, allowing Goro to invert their positions until he was lying on his back with Goro over him, kissing his neck. Goro lifted his torso, finding a good position between Ryuji’s legs, caressing his thigh. Ryuji watched his every move, and it gave Goro a conflicting urge to keep going, but also prolong those caresses as much as he could.

“Goro…”

_Yes… Keep calling my name._ Goro’s hand went up his thigh, slowly caressing it, taking his time close to his groin before finally palming him over his pants. He teased Ryuji a little longer, amused by his complaints until the situation started to become too much for himself as well. Goro got rid of Ryuji’s pants, finally touching him and earning a small gasp in return.

“Took you long enough, you little shit…” muttered Ryuji.

Goro chuckled at the comment.

“Why rush it?” he asked. “We have more than enough time to enjoy ourselves.”

“Yeah… You sure look like you’re enjoyin’ yourself. ”

_And he was._ Honestly, Goro wanted nothing but to look at that aroused face and feel the satisfaction of knowing that _he_ was the one doing it to him. He leaned over Ryuji, kissing him, muffling the sound of his moans with his mouth as he continued that caress. This time, however, he skipped the teasing. Soon later, Goro interrupted the kiss, watching Ryuji’s face as he reached his limit, getting so much satisfaction out of it that it was almost embarrassing to admit.

Before he could think of any provocation to say, however, as if sensing his intention, Ryuji pulled him closer, embracing his waist and kissing him again. It was always like that with him: even after both of them were satisfied, he still held Goro close for a while longer, caressing his hair, kissing his face and lips without a word. As unlike himself as it was to find delight in those gestures, Goro soon realized he longed for them every time they slept together, like a confirmation that there was something deeper between the two of them. That feeling by itself was something he doubted he would ever get tired of.

But it wasn’t all… He also craved the warmth of Ryuji’s body and the sound of his voice; he wanted to make him laugh at something silly and watch his frustrated face whenever he couldn’t deal with a compliment. It wasn’t about proximity, or the need to receive any kind of affection anymore. It was about _him_. He wanted those things from Ryuji Sakamoto and no one else.

That realization, which he had been fighting against for a while, suddenly fell upon him. Startled by it, Goro tensed up, moving away from Ryuji, who looked at him in slight confusion.

“Goro?” he said. “What’s wrong?”

Goro turned his face to the side, unable to look at Ryuji as he answered:

“Nothing.”

“Whaddya mean _nothin’?_ ”

How could he even answer that? He wasn’t supposed to see Ryuji in _that way_. Besides, Ryuji had his own life… He wouldn’t stay there, with him, forever. At some point, he would go back to his old life and his old friends, and Goro would be alone again. It was nothing but foolish to allow himself to have feelings for him… Things should stay as they were from the beginning, with the two of them standing by each other and helping each other feel better about their problems. Even things like caresses and sex should be nothing but a way to comfort each other. It wasn’t supposed to be anything more than that.

“I was just surprised by how cute you sounded when you came,” he answered, forcing a smirk. “So… how about a second round?”

He leaned in to kiss Ryuji again, but Ryuji placed his hands on Goro’s shoulders, stopping him.

“No,” he said, “not now.”

That rejection stung. Unable to think of a sassy comeback, Goro lowered his eyes, silent. Ryuji carefully embraced him, holding him against his chest.

“Hey…” he whispered. “Stop keepin’ stuff to yourself, okay?”

His kind voice made something twist inside of Goro.

“I said it’s nothing…”

“Fine…” Ryuji sighed. “But if somethin’ starts to bother you, just talk to me.”

Goro couldn’t answer, and Ryuji looked at him, concerned.

“Alright?” he insisted.

Goro shook his head, moving away from Ryuji. He reached for the tissue box over the table, taking a few to clean himself before offering it to Ryuji. The silence that followed was heavy and almost painful to him, but he didn’t know how to break it either.

“Did I do somethin’ wrong?”

Ryuji’s question made Goro look at him, feeling guilty for that sudden change in the atmosphere.

“Of course not,” he answered.

“What’s the problem, then?”

Goro bit the inside of his lip, unsure of how to answer. There were many thoughts in his mind, but none of them seemed clear enough for him to reach a conclusion.

“I don’t think I deserve your kindness…” he said, finally.

“Stop sayin’ this…”

Ryuji reached for Goro’s hand, holding it and bringing it close to his mouth, pressing his lips against the back of his fingers. He stayed like that for some time, his gaze slightly distant, as if he had many things going through his mind.

“I hate when you say stuff like this,” he admitted after a while. “I know you regret many things, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve kindness, or support, or love…” he made a pause, then looked at Goro. “You’re a good person, and you deserve a chance to start things again… To keep on livin’.”

Goro scoffed at the idea.

“Do I really…?”

“You do.”

Ryuji’s serious answer made his chest tighten.

“You’re probably the only person in the world who thinks like that…” said Goro with a heavy sigh. “Not even _I_ do.”

His answer made Ryuji lower his gaze, staying silent for a moment.

“You still… feel like not livin’?” he asked in a low voice.

“I…” Goro hesitated, unsure of his own feelings on that matter. “I don’t know. I suppose so.”

Ryuji tightened the grip on Goro’s hand, holding it against his face.

“Then… Do it for me.”

His words made Goro stare at him, confused.

“Excuse me?”

“I mean… If livin’ for your own sake ain’t enough right now, then do it for me until it is.” Ryuji struggled with the words for a moment. “If you ever need a reason to keep goin’, then… Think that I’m here for you. To listen to you, and cook for you, and do whatever I need to make you feel a little better. And that I’d be really fuckin’ crushed if I never got to see you again.”

Goro observed him for an entire minute, and the silence seemed to make Ryuji question his words, forcing a small chuckle.

“Sorry,” he said, letting go of Goro’s hand, “that sounded pretty silly.”

Goro reached for Ryuji’s face, cupping it with both hands, leaning forward and placing a soft kiss on his lips.

“If you mean it…” he muttered, looking into Ryuji’s eyes. “Then I will.”

That answer made Ryuji’s body relax. He leaned forward, resting his forehead against Goro’s.

“Thanks,” he said.

A small giggle escaped from Goro’s lips.

“Why are _you_ the one thanking me?” he asked.

“You know why.”

“Actually, I have no idea.”

Ryuji furrowed his brow in slight disbelief.

“‘Cause you’re important to me, of course!” he said. “So I don’t wanna lose you, no matter what.”

The answer made Goro’s smile fade.

“You’re joking, right?” he asked.

“You really think I am?”

As hard as part of him tried to believe that was the case, a single look at Ryuji’s expression was enough to shatter those thoughts.

“No… I don’t,” he admitted. “And that’s what I can’t understand.”

“What’s so hard to understand about it?” asked Ryuji, furrowing his brow.

“Why I’m important to you,” explained Goro. “Is it gratitude because I stopped you that day?”

Ryuji seemed to consider that question for a while.

“I guess that’s part of it…” he admitted. “You gave me a reason to keep livin’, so now I kinda wanna do the same for you.”

As much as Goro expected that answer, it still made his heart feel heavy.

“I see…”

Before he could say anything else, however, Ryuji continued.

“But it ain’t all either.”

Goro looked at him with a slight frown.

“What else could be there?” he asked.

“It ain’t that complicated,” answered Ryuji with a light shrug. “I just like you, that’s all.”

Those words caught Goro by surprise.

“You… like me?” he asked.

“Are you for real?” Ryuji sighed, shaking his head. “Goro, you’re kinda overthinkin’ somethin’ simple.”

Saying that, he reached for Goro’s hands, holding both with his own, looking at his face.

“I like you,” he repeated. “I’m happy when I’m around you, and I feel sad to think that you’re hurtin’ on your own. I wanna make you feel better, not only ‘cause you did it for me, but ‘cause it hurts to see you like that. ‘Cause, y’know, I care about you. You’re important to me.”

Goro didn’t know how to react to those words, and Ryuji lowered his eyes to their hands.

“Did you get it now?” asked Ryuji in a low tone.

“I… suppose.”

The answer made Ryuji glance at him, a small laugh escaping from his lips.

“For a genius, you’re kinda slow,” he said.

“Shut up.”

Despite his answer, Goro squeezed Ryuji’s hands.

“These things… They’re new to me,” he admitted. “I don’t know how to feel about them.”

Ryuji smiled, leaning forward and placing a brief kiss in Goro’s forehead.

“Take your time,” he said. “Just lemme know if you start thinkin’ about bad stuff again, okay? You don’t need to go through this alone.”

“Alright… I will.”

Ryuji kissed his face, then hugged his torso, resting his head on Goro’s shoulder.

“Thanks,” he said once again.

Being able to fully understand the meaning behind that word was enough to fill Goro’s chest with a bliss almost too strong for him to take. As much as part of him wanted to doubt it, the truth was that there was one single person in the world who cherished him, and saw him as someone who deserved to be alive—someone special. He hoped for so long that it would happen, that now it seemed too good to be true. And still, when Ryuji was the one saying it, he simply couldn’t bring himself to doubt it.

A bitter smile took Goro’s lips. As much as he tried to deny, or ignore his own feelings, he knew: he was already in love with Ryuji, and there was nothing he could do to change it.


	4. Chapter 4

In just a few more days it would be a month since he brought Ryuji in. The realization was surprising to Goro, who couldn’t tell if the time they spent together had felt like much more or much less than that. No matter the answer, Ryuji had already become part of his life, to the point he could barely imagine himself alone again.

While they showered together in that evening, Goro noticed how Ryuji’s hair was getting black again on the roots, and it only made him more aware of how long he had been there. It wasn’t a problem to him, quite the contrary: if he could choose, his life would stay indefinitely the way it was, with no one else but the two of them in that apartment, ignoring the world outside as if it wasn’t their problem.

Goro took a deep breath, then placed his arms around Ryuji’s waist, embracing him from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder. Ryuji glanced at him, seeming amused by that action.

“What’s that?” he asked with a giggle. “It ain’t like you to act cute like this.”

Goro stared at Ryuji, raising his eyebrow at that comment.

“Are you saying I’m not cute?” he asked.

“Nah… _Definitely_ not sayin’ that.”

They left the shower soon after that, staying awake for another hour before Ryuji started to daze off.

“Let’s go to bed,” said Goro, placing a kiss on Ryuji’s face.

Ryuji nodded in the middle of a long yawn. They lied side by side on the bed, and a few minutes later Goro had already fallen asleep. He woke up in the middle of the night, for no apparent reason. His dry throat made him consider getting up to drink a glass of water, but the laziness kept him in place. He was still half-awake when Ryuji moved beside him, carefully leaving the bed.

Goro almost used that as an excuse to get up as well, but stopped himself when he noticed that, instead of going to the kitchen or the bathroom, Ryuji approached Goro’s wardrobe, searching it for his own bag. He reached inside of it, taking something out, and it took Goro a moment to understand that it was his cell phone. Ryuji stared at it for a long while, clearly conflicted, then, with a tired sigh, placed it back in the bag, closing the wardrobe. He walked to the couch, sitting on it, silently staring at the floor. Goro followed him with his gaze, a dull pain taking his chest. It was the first time he witnessed it, but he wondered how many times before Ryuji had gotten out of the bed in the middle of the night, and done that same thing.

As he thought about it, Goro asked himself why it took so long for him to realize that something was wrong. For someone who was considering taking his own life not even a month ago, Ryuji seemed strangely… fine. Too bright and cheerful sometimes, as if he didn’t have a single worry on his mind; always making sure that Goro was feeling well, reassuring and taking care of him. After that first week, he had barely mentioned his friends and mother, and much less Akira. Goro thought it was a sign that he was getting better, but…

Goro gritted his teeth. It was so obvious now: there was no way in hell that Ryuji was getting better. Forcing a smile, burying his own feelings deep inside, pretending those things didn’t hurt even when the pain was unbearable… Goro should have known those signs better than anyone else.

He stayed in place, struggling with his own thoughts for a while. Part of him wanted to simply close his eyes and pretend that he hadn’t seen anything, so things would continue as usual the next morning. But how could he enjoy Ryuji’s company while aware that he was avoiding his own problems by being there? By ignoring what he had just seen, he would be allowing it to continue and become even worse with time.

Goro’s chest tightened at that thought. No… As much as he loved the time he spent with Ryuji, it became meaningless as soon as he realized the reality of the situation. He gave himself a minute to organize his own thoughts, then got out of the bed, walking to the couch and sitting beside Ryuji, who faced him, forcing a slight smile.

“Hey…” he said. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

“No,” admitted Goro in a low voice. “I was already awake for a while.”

“Ah…”

Ryuji’s smile faded. He lowered his gaze, uncomfortable.

“You saw it, then…” he muttered.

“Yes.”

Goro lowered his gaze as well, and for the following minute, neither of them spoke a word.

“Do you want to contact them?” asked Goro, finally.

Ryuji shut his eyes, vehemently shaking his head.

“I can’t.”

“You can,” said Goro. “And you probably should.”

He didn’t answer. Goro moved closer to him, gently caressing his hair.

“I know you’re scared of seeing them again,” he said, “but they need to know that you’re alive. If not for the sake of the Phantom Thieves, then for your mother’s.”

Ryuji tensed up, but stayed silent.

“I could call Kurusu for you,” offered Goro.

“What?”

He stared at Goro, widening his eyes at that suggestion.

“Are you against it?” asked Goro.

“‘Course I am!” answered Ryuji. “I…”

He stopped talking, averting his gaze and hugging his own arms.

“I can’t see them now,” he added in a lower voice.

Goro already expected him to deny the offer, but also knew that he couldn’t give up so easily. He placed his hand on Ryuji’s back, rubbing it before proceeding.

“Ryuji, listen to me,” he said. “You can’t keep running away from them. I know it hurts, but—”

“No!” Ryuji interrupted him. “Everythin’ will be better if they think I’m dead!”

As much as Goro knew that wasn’t the truth, he didn’t know how to make Ryuji believe his words. He took a deep breath, trying to find another way.

“I know you’re scared,” he said, “but you can’t stay here forever.”

His words didn’t have the desired effect, making a shadow of guilt cover Ryuji’s face, instead.

“I… I know,” he muttered. “I’m sorry…”

“No,” answered Goro, “that’s not what I meant.”

He wasn’t sure of what to do, and part of him feared to say the wrong thing again and make everything worse. Instead of trying to explain himself, however, he thought about those many times Ryuji had comforted him before, then faced Ryuji, opening his arms.

“Come here,” he said.

Ryuji obeyed, hugging Goro, resting his forehead on his shoulder. Goro tightened his arms around him, gently rocking his body back and forth, trying to calm Ryuji down. It took quite some time for him to relax, but Goro didn’t rush him.

“I’m worried about you,” he said after a while. “I thought you were getting better by staying here, but I’ve realized that I’m just helping you ignore your bad thoughts… And I’m afraid they’ll get to you the moment you’re alone again, like they did that night.”

He made a pause, resting his head against Ryuji’s and closing his eyes.

“Don’t think I’m saying this because I want you to go,” he proceeded. “I like having you here. The days I spent with you have been the happiest I had in such a long time. That’s why I can’t stand the thought that I could lose you. I can’t just watch as you keep burying your feelings inside your chest until you can’t take it anymore.”

Goro placed a hand on Ryuji’s head, gently caressing his hair.

“You’re too important to me,” he said. “So, even if it means losing what we have right now, I can’t let you ignore your own feelings any longer.”

It took a while for Ryuji’s answer to come.

“I’m scared of seein’ them again,” he admitted.

“I know.”

“I’m scared to look at their faces…” Ryuji hesitated. “Akira, my mom, my friends… I’m scared to look at them and realize that I was right… that I mean nothin’ to them… That they—”

His voice cracked, and Goro held him a little tighter.

“I know,” he whispered. “It’s alright… I’m here with you.”

The minutes passed without them saying another word, only embracing each other. Ryuji was the first to move away, looking at Goro.

“You really think I should… talk to them?” he asked.

“I do.”

Ryuji nodded. Goro leaned in his direction, kissing his temple.

“Can I call Kurusu?” he asked.

Ryuji’s expression made it clear that he still disliked the idea. This time, however, he didn’t protest.

“You sure you’re fine with it?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Alright, then.”

That answer filled Goro’s chest with relief. He took his phone, searching his drawer for the chip that he had taken out of it to avoid possible unwanted calls, putting it back in place. He looked at the screen, seeing that it was past three in the morning.

“Maybe he’s sleeping right now,” he said.

“Yeah…” agreed Ryuji, shifting a little over the couch. “Maybe… we should leave it for tomorrow.”

Goro furrowed his brow, unwilling to take the risk of Ryuji changing his mind.

“No,” he said. “Given the situation, it’s worth a try.”

Before Ryuji could protest again, Goro selected Akira’s number from his list, calling him. Ryuji stared at him, apprehensive, and Goro put the call on speaker so he could hear it as well, placing the phone on the couch, between the two of them. It didn’t take long for them to hear Akira’s surprised voice.

“ _Akechi?”_

“Yes,” he answered. “It has been a while, Kurusu.”

There were a few seconds of pure silence before Akira spoke again.

“ _Akechi…”_ he repeated in slight disbelief. _“So… you really did survive…”_

“You don’t sound surprised,” observed Goro.

“ _It’s you we’re talking about, after all. I knew you’d find a way.”_

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“ _Yeah…”_ a small laugh echoed on the other side. _“It’s still good to know, though.”_

Akira went silent again for a while, probably with too many questions in his mind.

“ _How did you survive?”_ he finally asked.

“A bit of luck, I’d say.”

“ _I see… That’s good.”_

Neither of them spoke for quite a while, and Akechi decided that it was a good moment to touch that subject—as good as it could possibly get, at least.

“Kurusu, there’s something I need to—”

“ _Akechi…”_ Akira interrupted him. _“Look, I know I’ve failed you… and I’m really sorry for everything that happened.”_

Those words caught Goro by surprise.

“You shouldn’t be apologizing to me,” he said.

“ _No, please… Just listen to me,”_ proceeded Akira. _“I’m just… I’m so glad you called me right now.”_

The urgency in Akira’s voice worried him a little.

“Is everything alright?” he asked.

“ _No, it isn’t…”_ Akira took a deep breath before proceeding. _“Akechi, I know I have no right to ask you this, but I need your help.”_

“My help?”

“ _It’s Ryuji…”_ he proceeded. _“He… He disappeared after we left Shido’s palace. We can’t find him anywhere.”_

Akira’s anxious, almost desperate tone made Ryuji widen his eyes, staring at the phone. Goro considered reassuring Akira that everything was fine, but stopped himself. He glanced at Ryuji, thinking about it for a moment.

“I see…” he answered. “That’s unfortunate.”

Ryuji looked at him, slightly surprised, but didn’t say anything.

“ _That’s all you have to say?”_ asked Akira in angry disbelief.

“I don’t know what else you were expecting.”

“ _What the hell is wrong with you? He might be hurt, goddammit! He might be…”_

Akira stopped himself. Goro carefully considered his next words.

“And why would that be my fault?” he asked. “He’s _your_ friend, isn’t he?”

He knew that was a cruel thing to say, but he wanted Ryuji to hear the answer to that. Akira didn’t speak for a long time, and Goro heard his small sobs before he heard his voice again.

“ _Help me…”_ he asked. _“Please. It was my fault he… I need to find him. Please… We tried everything already, but… Even the police told us to give up. I don’t know what else to do!”_

“Kurusu, calm down.”

“ _I can’t calm down!”_ yelled Akira. _“My best friend might be dead, and it’s all my fault!”_

His sobs became louder. Goro waited patiently until Akira was able to continue.

“ _I know I did everything wrong with you, but please… help me find him. You’re a detective, aren’t you? So please, do something! Please…”_

Goro raised his eyes to Ryuji again, who had a conflicted expression in his face. He gestured towards the phone, and Ryuji hesitated for a while before moving closer to it.

“Akira?”

Akira’s sobs gave place to a surprised gasp.

“ _Ryuji?”_ he asked. _“Ryuji, is that you?”_

Ryuji glanced at Goro, who encouraged him with a nod.

“Yeah…” he said. “It’s me.”

Akira went silent, probably too shocked to react properly. When he spoke again, however, his voice was much louder.

“ _Where are you?”_ he asked. _“Where the hell have you been all this time?”_

That change in his tone was enough to make Ryuji flinch, and Goro had a bad feeling about it.

“I…” started to say Ryuji, stopping halfway.

That silence only seemed to make Akira feel even more frustrated.

“ _Do you have any idea how worried we were?”_ he proceeded. _“We searched everywhere for you!”_

“I needed some time…”

“ _Needed some time?”_ he repeated in disbelief. _“What the fuck is wrong with you? We thought you were dead for sure this time!”_

Ryuji moved away from the phone seeming smaller than he was.

“I’m… sorry,” he muttered.

“ _Do you really think being sorry is enough? You have no idea what we’ve been through this past month! We did nothing but try to find you! Your mother is worried sick! She—”_

Goro turned off the speaker, bringing the phone to his ear.

“Kurusu, that’s enough,” he said.

“ _Why the hell is he with you?”_ Akira’s loud tone changed to a worried one when he considered the situation. _“Wait… You didn’t hurt him, did you?”_

That question seemed to make Goro’s blood boil.

“If you were as considerate as you try to look, maybe you would have realized that I’m not the one who keeps doing exactly what you suggested,” he answered in a cynical tone.

“ _What are you…?”_ Akira went silent for a moment. “ _Shit… Let me talk to him again.”_

Goro called Ryuji’s attention, indicating the phone, but he simply shut his eyes, shaking his head in response. Goro sighed.

“I think that was enough,” he said.

“ _Akechi, let me talk to—”_

Goro ended the call. He felt slightly bad for Akira, and that was far from the result he had hoped for, but, for the moment, he just didn’t want to make Ryuji feel even more upset over it. He placed the phone on the table, then approached Ryuji, who didn’t look at him. Carefully, Goro caressed his cheek.

“Are you sure you’re fine with this?” he asked in a low voice.

Ryuji nodded. He seemed small and broken once again, just like on the day Goro brought him in, as if all of his progress had been erased by that single call. As much as he knew it hadn’t been Akira’s intention, Goro couldn’t help but resent him for that reaction. He took a deep breath, trying to clear his thoughts.

“Don’t let his words get to you,” he said. “He was just nervous. I believe he truly cares about you.”

“And I fucked everythin’ up again,” answered Ryuji. “No matter what I do, this is what happens in the end. I just end up hurtin’ everyone I—”

“Ryuji, stop.”

Goro cupped Ryuji’s face, making him look at his eyes.

“We talked about this,” he said in a gentle voice. “Don’t let these thoughts overcome you again.”

“But…”

“Please.”

Ryuji lowered his gaze, then slowly nodded.

“Alright… I’ll try.”

Goro kissed his forehead, then pulled him into a hug.

“I’m sorry for making you go through this,” he whispered. “But I think you should try to talk to him again later. I’m sure he only yelled at you because he was worried.”

“I…”

Before Ryuji could give him an answer, Goro’s phone buzzed. He reached for it, seeing a few new messages from Akira.

**Akira: Akechi, I know I was an asshole just now.**

**Akira: But please, tell me where you are.**

**Akira: I need to see him.**

**Akira: Please.**

Part of him sympathized with Akira’s situation, but that decision wasn’t his to make. He showed Ryuji those messages, waiting until he was done reading them.

“So?” he asked. “Can I give him my address?”

Ryuji looked at him, uncertain.

“I don’t know…” he said. “Won’t that just make things worse?”

“I believe he’s being honest,” said Goro.

“I… I think so too,” admitted Ryuji. “But…”

He stopped talking, and Goro looked at his face, concerned.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

Ryuji shook his head.

“I don’t know what to think,” he said. “I was sure everyone wanted me dead, but then I heard Aki cryin’, and…” he let out a tired sigh. “I really don’t know what to think anymore. I just can’t understand it.”

“That’s why you should talk to him,” answered Goro. “I don’t think Kurusu meant to hurt you in any way.”

He still seemed bothered by the idea. Goro leaned in his direction, placing a long, soft kiss on his face.

“I’ll be here with you,” he assured.

Ryuji sighed, finally giving in.

“Okay, then.” He raised his head, looking at Goro. “But won’t it be a problem for you? Lettin’ him know about your place, an’ all that…”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Goro took his phone, typing a brief message to Akira.

“Done, I sent it.”

“I feel kinda sick,” said Ryuji.

“Everything will be fine,” answered Goro, placing his phone back on the table. “Try not to worry about it now, alright?” He made a pause, furrowing his brow. “And don’t even think about running away during the night.”

That comment made a low chuckle escape from Ryuji’s throat.

“Last time I almost gave you a heart attack, so I’m not riskin’ it again,” he said.

“Good to know that you care about my health.”

“More than you do, judgin’ by the state of your fridge.”

“For how long are you going to judge my eating habits?”

“As long as it takes to make you stop eatin’ like shit.”

Goro sighed in fake annoyance, shaking his head.

“You are insufferable,” he said.

Ryuji showed a tiny smile, reaching for the side of Goro’s face, playing with his hair.

“And you’re fuckin’ handsome,” he said.

That unexpected retort made Goro stare at him.

“I…”

Despite his best efforts, no answer came. Ryuji giggled.

“Admit defeat?” he asked.

After a few more seconds of silence, Goro lowered his head.

“Yes.”

Ryuji laughed again, but it didn’t last long. Soon that worried expression was back on his face, and—honestly—Goro was glad to see that he wasn’t trying to hide his feelings again.

“For real, though…” muttered Ryuji. “I’m kinda scared to see Aki again.”

“Still afraid of his reaction?” asked Goro.

“Yeah, but… In a different way.”

“How so?”

Ryuji thought for a moment.

“I didn’t wanna make him cry.”

“He made you cry too, so now you’re even,” reminded Goro.

“Guess so.”

His body relaxed close to Goro, who embraced his waist, gently caressing it with his thumb.

“Things will be fine,” he said.

“Yeah…” muttered Ryuji in response. “I sure hope so.”

He still seemed uncertain of it, and Goro couldn’t blame him. Unsure of what else to say, he reached for Ryuji’s face, caressing his cheek. Ryuji observed him for a while, then hugged his torso, lying together with him on the couch, burying his face on Goro’s chest.

“Ryuji…?”

“Is this bad?” he asked, a little hesitant.

“Of course not.” Goro placed a hand on his head, playing with his hair. “You shouldn’t need to ask this anymore.”

“I know, but…”

Ryuji didn’t finish his sentence, and Goro furrowed his brow: they should be way past that shy phase by that point.

“But what?” he asked.

There was no answer.

“Ryuji?”

Ryuji tightened his hug, taking a moment to answer, as if trying to find the right words.

“From all people,” he said, “I never thought you’d be the one makin’ me feel safe.”

He raised his head, looking at Goro’s face.

“Goro…” He showed a tiny, fond smile. “I’m so glad you’re alive.”

Goro’s heart tightened inside his chest, aching despite the reassurance.

“I should be the one saying that,” he answered.

Ryuji didn’t say anything else, snuggling close to his chest again, relaxing. Goro smiled to himself, closing his eyes, simply appreciating that warm, comfortable closeness.

* * *

Goro didn’t realize he had dozed off until his phone buzzed a while later, making him and Ryuji jolt up, startled. Goro looked at the screen, and was only a little surprised to see that name.

“It’s Kurusu,” he said.

Ryuji widened his eyes, and Goro took the call.

“Yes?”

_“I’m outside your condominium,”_ said Akira. _“I need your permission to get in, but they refused to call you because of the time.”_

Goro tensed up. He expected Akira to appear on the next day, given the time and the fact that the trains had already stopped; but, apparently, he had taken a taxi as soon as Goro gave him his address. He glanced at Ryuji before proceeding.

“Is anyone else with you?” he asked.

_“No,”_ answered Akira. _“Just me.”_

That information was a small relief.

“Fine… Just a minute.”

He hung up, and Ryuji looked at him, concerned.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

Goro took a deep breath, unsure of how Ryuji would react to that information.

“He’s here,” he said.

“Right now?”

As he expected, the anxiety became clear in Ryuji’s face. Without thinking much, Goro placed a hand on the side of his neck, lightly rubbing it while looking into his eyes.

“It’s alright,” he said in a soft tone. “I’m here with you.”

Ryuji briefly closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to calm down.

“Okay.” He opened his eyes and looked at Goro. “But what should I even say to him?”

“I’m not sure…” admitted Goro. “But you should be honest about how you feel. If you keep burying your feelings like this, everything will happen again.”

“I know…”

He gave Ryuji some space to sort out his feelings, calling the entrance of his condominium, granting Akira permission to get inside. They waited in silent expectation until the doorbell rang. Goro’s heart jumped, but he tried his best to look calm when he opened the door.

For a moment that felt way too long, he and Akira simply looked at each other, no words coming out of their mouths. Even after that phone call, things were still awkward between the two of them, so unlike those many times when they shared light and friendly conversations at the Leblanc, not so long ago—not that Goro expected anything different, especially after what he did that day, at the police station.

“Where is Ryuji?” asked Akira, finally.

Goro stepped aside, indicating the couch with a gesture. As soon as Akira saw Ryuji, he ran in his direction, making Ryuji wince instinctively. Akira stopped, just a step away from the couch, taken aback by that reaction.

“Ryuji…”

Goro watched from a slight distance as Akira kneeled on the ground before Ryuji, carefully placing his hands on his knees.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to yell at you like that.”

“It’s okay, Aki…” answered Ryuji, without looking at him. “You don’t need to apologize.”

“No,” said Goro in a serious voice. “He _should_ apologize. Even if he didn’t mean it, he still hurt you.”

“But…”

Ryuji stopped talking, lowering his gaze to Akira’s hands. Akira watched him for a moment, then followed his gaze, taking some time to consider his words.

“I was so worried about you…” he said in a low voice. “Why did you disappear? Why didn’t you answer my calls?”

Ryuji opened his mouth, but hesitated. He glanced at Goro, who offered him a slight nod. _Tell him._

“I couldn’t,” he admitted. “I didn’t wanna hear your voice.”

His answer seemed to have the same impact as a punch to Akira’s face.

“Why…?” he asked.

Ryuji hesitated again, and at that moment Goro _knew_ he was about to say everything was fine and avoid that subject again.

“Is this really how you want things to be?” he asked.

Akira glanced at him over his shoulder, then looked back at his friend, concerned.

“Ryuji?” said Akira. “What happened?”

Ryuji gritted his teeth.

“You even need to ask?”

There was no response on Akira’s part, and it only seemed to make Ryuji feel more frustrated.

“I almost died, Akira!” he said, still not looking at him. “I was so fuckin’ terrified, but I didn’t care ‘cause the only thing that mattered to me was knowin’ that you guys were safe! That _you_ were safe! I was scared, and in pain, and the only thing I cared about was if all of you would make it!”

Akira stared at him with his mouth half-open, as if trying to come up with an answer. Before he could, however, Ryuji continued, as if letting out such a small part of his buried feelings had brought all of them to the surface.

“I was so happy to see you… All of you… And I thought you’d feel the same when you realized I was alive, ‘cause we’re fuckin’ friends!” He hugged his arms, leaning away from Akira. “I always knew I wasn’t as good as you, or the others, but I did everythin’ I could to stay by your side. I tried to give you guys everythin’ you needed, I took hits for you, I… I even let you make fun of me and treat me like an idiot, ‘cause I thought it’d make you feel better about all this shit we’re goin’ through.”

“I didn’t—”

Ryuji didn’t give Akira a chance to protest, raising his voice.

“Don’t you tell me you didn’t do this shit, Akira, ‘cause you know you did! You walked away when those guys were fuckin’ harrassin’ me, and even made fun of it later! You only treated me like a friend when we were alone, ‘cause in front of the others you did nothin’ but make fun of everythin’ I said! Whenever someone made a stupid mistake you’d let it slide, but when it was me… I was the burden of the group, I had shit for brains, it was just ‘what you’d expect from someone like Ryuji’.”

Akira lowered his gaze, clearly affected by those words.

“I didn’t mean any of that,” he muttered.

“You didn’t mean it?” Ryuji stared at Akira, an angry laugh leaving his throat. “Even if you didn’t mean shit, it still fuckin’ hurt, every single time you did it! I always thought I was the one doin’ things wrong… I did everythin’ I could to be a good friend, but it always felt like it meant nothin’ to any of you!” He made a pause, averting his gaze again and lowering his tone. “I’ve been by your side every single day since you came back from that damn place… I spent hours with you on the phone every time you woke up from a bad dream. I stayed awake until late at night to wash your clothes and make food for you, ‘cause I knew you wouldn’t do it yourself and I was so worried about you… Everythin’ I did since we first met was for your sake, and the only thing I wanted in return was to be part of your group… For you guys to see me as your friend! For you to fuckin’ care about me!”

There was a moment of tense silence.

“I care about you,” said Akira. “We all do.”

“Then you sure as hell don’t act like it.”

Akira didn’t answer. Ryuji hesitated a little before continuing.

“I told you about my old man…” he muttered. “I trusted you enough to talk about the worst part of my life, and how much it fucked me up… And still, when my own friends decided to beat me up for whatever reason, you just…” his voice failed for a moment. “You just watched, like it had nothin’ to do with you!”

Ryuji lowered his head, covering his eyes with a hand.

“That was the only thing…” he added in a low voice. “The single fuckin’ thing I hoped would never happen again, and I… I never thought…”

He took a deep breath, trying to calm down before looking at Akira.

“You’ve got any idea how much that hurt comin’ from the people I thought I could trust?” he asked. “How much it hurt comin’ from _you_?”

Akira bit his lip, keeping his gaze low.

“I can’t even imagine,” he said.

For a moment, both of them stayed silent.

“I didn’t wanna hear your voice after that,” proceeded Ryuji. “I didn’t wanna hear you makin’ fun of somethin’ that hurt so much, or tell me that I deserved it. I was tired of it.”

“I’d never make fun of you for that,” answered Akira. “I was really worried about you when you didn’t pick up your phone. I just wanted to make sure that you were fine.”

“And how was I supposed to know? That’s how things went every time, so how could I know that _this time_ would be different?”

“I…” Akira raised his eyes, looking at Ryuji. “I thought it was clear… I thought…” He made a pause, struggling with the words. “All this time, I never thought something was wrong. I thought you knew how much I care about you.”

Ryuji didn’t answer. That anger from moments before had already left his face, but he was still clearly upset. Akira watched him for a long while.

“Did I hurt you this much?” he asked in a weak voice.

Again, Ryuji didn’t answer.

“I swear, I never meant to,” proceeded Akira. “You never seemed bothered by it, so I… I never thought too much about those things I said.”

“I was scared I’d make you angry if I complained,” admitted Ryuji. “I didn’t wanna lose my place as your friend.”

“You wouldn’t…” Akira stopped talking, then reached for Ryuji’s hand, holding it between his two. “I’m sorry. I thought it was clear how much your friendship meant to me, so I never thought twice about the things I did or said to you. I thought that, if something bothered you, you’d tell me. I never thought that you…” He averted his gaze. “That you could be scared of talking to me.”

“I guess that much is my own fault,” muttered Ryuji.

“No…” answered Akira, squeezing his hand. “I understand… Now that you said it, I…” he hesitated, lowering his voice. “I realized I haven’t been as much of a good friend as I thought I was. I think I got too used to having you close, and… at some point, all the things you did for me felt like… I don’t know, something natural to me. I didn’t really think of how much effort you were putting into me, especially after…” he made a pause, twisting his lips. “You know.”

Ryuji nodded.

“Sorry…” he muttered. “I didn’t mean to throw all that stuff at your face.”

“I know,” answered Akira. “But it made me realize that I never thanked you for any of that.”

“You don’t have to.” Ryuji shifted on the couch, uncomfortable. “Look… I got upset and talked too much, okay? Just…” he lowered his tone. “Just forget about it.”

As Goro feared, Ryuji was starting to close up again, as if letting all of those feelings out had depleted his willpower. He pondered for a moment if he should intervene again, but before he could decide, Akira spoke.

“I don’t want to forget about it!” He tightened his grip on Ryuji’s hand, making him look at his face. “Listen to me… I know I haven’t been a good friend to you, but… When you disappeared, I was really scared I’d never see you again. If part of this was my fault, then I want you to tell me what I did wrong, because I don’t want something like this to happen again. Ever. You understand?”

Ryuji nodded, but didn’t say anything else. Akira let out a low sigh, then turned his head to Goro.

“Why didn’t you contact us?” he asked. “To tell us that you were alive, and that Ryuji was with you?”

“Because, at the time, this wouldn’t benefit either of us,” explained Goro, crossing his arms. “My original plan was to disappear for good, and let everyone believe I was dead.”

Ryuji hesitated before adding in a low voice.

“And mine was to actually die.”

That sentence was enough to make Akira turn his attention back to him, wide-eyed.

“What?”

Ryuji winced a little under his gaze, looking away.

“I was desperate…” he explained. “I couldn’t stop thinkin’ about bad stuff, and how everythin’ would be better if I wasn’t here… I really didn’t wanna exist anymore. If Goro wasn’t here with me, I dunno what I’d have done that day.”

“You…”

Akira stared at him for a long time, speechless, as if unable to fully comprehend his words.

“Ryuji, I… I had no idea… I…”

His voice cracked before he could finish his sentence, as his calm expression slowly crumbled. Akira moved closer to Ryuji, leaning forward, placing both arms over his friend’s knees, and resting his head over them. Ryuji glanced at Goro, unsure of what to do, then lowered his gaze back to Akira.

“I… I was so scared that day…” said Akira with a trembling voice. “I know I should’ve told you that I was glad you were safe, but… I don’t know what happened to me. I was so scared that I couldn’t do anything. I only came back to it when we arrived at the train station. I considered going back to see if you were fine, but… I was feeling too guilty to look at you after… after I left you alone like—”

A loud sob cut his sentence, and Akira discreetly dried his tears with his sleeve.

“I tried to call you later, but you didn’t pick up your phone,” he continued. “Then your mother called me in the middle of the night asking if you were with me, and… I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what to do… I could never forgive myself if anything had happened to you… Just to think that you were so close to…” He interrupted himself, unable to continue. “I’m so sorry…”

Ryuji seemed frozen in place for a long while. With some hesitation, he placed a hand on Akira’s head, ruffling his hair.

“It’s alright,” he said, forcing a cheerful tone. “Stop apologizin’, nerd. Everythin’ is fine now.”

“It’s not alright!” Akira raised his head, staring at Ryuji. “I had to almost lose you twice to learn my damn lesson!”

He reached for Ryuji’s hands again, this time grabbing both of them, without looking away from his face.

“You’re so important to me…” he said. “You’re my best friend… The first person who believed me. I don’t know what I’d do without you… Especially after you… saved us all…”

Saying that was enough to make Akira cry loudly. He brought Ryuji’s hands to his face, holding them against his cheeks as he sobbed. Ryuji carefully leaned in his direction.

“Aki, really… It’s okay.”

“Stop saying it’s okay!” retorted Akira in a loud voice.

“No, I mean it.”

Ryuji offered him a reassuring smile before continuing.

“This sounds kinda terrible, but I’m just so glad to know that you were worried.”

“Of course I was!” answered Akira. “I did nothing but search for you this past month! Everyone else too, and your mother… Even after the police told us to give up, we… We just couldn’t. Because you’re important to us! Maybe we didn’t show it as we should, but… it doesn’t change how much you mean to us all.”

Saying that, Akira stood up, sitting beside Ryuji on the couch before throwing his arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug.

“I don’t know if I have the right to do this after everything that happened, but…”

“It’s alright,” said Ryuji.

“Please, stop saying this…” asked Akira. “It’s not alright.”

He stayed like that for a while, then moved away, looking at Ryuji’s face, placing his hands on his arms.

“I swear I won’t let this happen again, so, please… Promise me you’ll never do something like that.” He shut his eyes, his fingers slightly pressing Ryuji’s arms. “Please.”

Ryuji looked at him for a while, then slowly nodded.

“Okay.”

Goro watched them, relieved to see that they were finally opening up to each other. He discreetly walked to the door, leaving his apartment so he could give those two some space—and also because it was slightly painful to see them close like that. He had been aware of Ryuji’s feelings for Akira from the beginning, but it was still difficult to think that, now that things were finally getting solved, his relationship with Ryuji could also come to an end.

He let out a heavy sigh, making his way downstairs, slowly walking around his condominium. It was difficult to admit it, but, just like Ryuji, he had grabbed that chance to run away from his problems, and now that reality was staring him in the face again, he realized he couldn’t keep hiding inside his apartment either. He had made many mistakes, but… He was still alive. And, if he wanted Ryuji to move on, he should probably start by doing it himself.

That thought was terrifying, but this time Goro didn’t push it out of his mind. He spent a while like that, walking aimlessly, thinking about what he should do from then on. When he felt that enough time had passed, he went back to his apartment, finding Ryuji and Akira still on the couch—close, but no longer hugging or touching each other. The sound of his steps called their attention, making both look at him.

“Is everything alright?” he asked.

“Yeah,” answered Ryuji. “Where did you go?”

“Just went out for a walk.”

Akira looked from Goro to Ryuji, and a slightly pained smile took his face.

“You two really got close, didn’t you?”

Before either of them could answer, Akira stood up from the couch.

“I should probably go back now…” he said. “I told Mona it wouldn’t take long.”

“Ah, right,” said Ryuji.

Akira turned to Ryuji, a slightly hopeful look in his face.

“Won’t you come back with me?” he asked. “Everyone will be glad to see you again.”

Ryuji seemed to consider it for a while, but ended up shaking his head.

“Sorry, Aki…” he said. “I don’t think I can do it right now.”

Goro thought Akira would insist, but instead, he simply nodded.

“Alright,” he said. “Can I at least tell the others that you’re fine?”

“Sure.” Ryuji hesitated a little, as if gathering his courage. “Aki… Can you tell my mom too? I… don’t think I’m ready to talk to her yet.”

Akira nodded again.

“Okay, but you should call her when you can.” He lowered his voice. “She’s really worried about you.”

“I can imagine…”

Neither of them said anything else. Ryuji got up from the couch as well, following Akira to the door. Before leaving, however, Akira faced him again, placing his hands on Ryuji’s shoulders, looking into his eyes.

“Ryuji…” he said. “I don’t know if this means anything after what happened, but… You’re so important to me. You have no idea of how much you mean to me, and… I’d never forgive myself if anything ever happened to you.”

“‘Course it does…” answered Ryuji with a smile. “More than you could even imagine.”

Akira bit his lip, then pulled Ryuji into a tight hug.

“I love you,” he whispered.

Ryuji spent a second with no reaction, then placed his arms around Akira, closing his eyes.

“I love you too, Aki.”

Goro averted his gaze until they moved away from each other. Akira looked at him, opening his mouth, but taking some time to finally say something.

“Thanks for letting me come.”

“Don’t mention it,” answered Goro.

Akira offered him a brief, slightly awkward smile before leaving. Things between them would probably never go back to how they were, but Goro had already made his peace with that. He couldn’t undo his wrongdoings, or expect the people he had hurt in the past to forgive and accept him back, so the only thing left was to keep his distance, and be a better person from then on.

He closed the door, looking at Ryuji.

“Kurusu really cares about you,” he said.

“Seems like it…” answered Ryuji, that tiny smile still on his lips. “Makes me happy, really.”

They walked back to the couch, sitting side by side.

“How are you feeling?” asked Goro.

“Kinda lighter, I guess…” His smile faltered a little. “You think it’d be better if I didn’t tell him about… y’know, all that stuff?”

“No,” answered Goro, serious. “It’s good that he knows about your situation. If you hadn’t told him, there would be a chance that something like this would happen again in the future. You have this annoying tendency to keep things locked inside, until they become too much for you.”

Ryuji placed a hand on the side of his neck, averting his gaze, slightly embarrassed.

“Guess that’s true…”

Goro looked at him for a moment, then took a deep breath.

“And, honestly, I think you should seek help,” he said. “Professional help, I mean.”

His words made Ryuji freeze in place, clearly uncomfortable with the idea.

“I don’t know about that…” he muttered.

“I know it’s hard, but I think it’s important.” Goro made a pause, looking at the floor before continuing. “I’m… considering it as well.”

“Really?”

Ryuji seemed genuinely surprised by that statement, and Goro could see why: just a few days before, he would probably reject that same idea.

“I know things will be a little more… complicated, in my case.” A bitter smile took his lips. “But I want to find a way to compensate for the terrible things I did, and I know that dying or drowning in self-loathing won’t change anything. So… I’ll take all the help I can get.”

He was honest in his words, and that seemed to have an effect on Ryuji.

“You really think it could help?” he asked.

“Yes,” said Goro. “Maybe it’ll take some time, but… Yes, I think it will.”

Ryuji considered that suggestion for a while, still seeming uncomfortable with the idea, but not totally against it.

“I’ll… think about it,” he said.

Goro felt his chest become lighter, offering Ryuji a gentle smile.

“I’m glad to hear that.”

Ryuji returned the smile, but soon it gave place to a tired yawn.

“Yeah…” he said, “but right now I just wanna sleep a little. Man, I feel drained…”

“Alright,” answered Goro with a brief chuckle. “Let’s go back to bed.”

As soon as he said that, Goro wondered if Ryuji would refuse it, now that things were starting to get into place again between him and Akira. To his surprise, however, Ryuji agreed without a second thought. Before getting up, he leaned in Goro’s direction, hugging his neck and placing a long, soft kiss on his cheek.

“Thanks for today,” he whispered. “You’ve got no idea how much it meant to me.”

As a response, Goro embraced his waist, holding him close for a long while, trying not to get his hopes up, but also glad that at least _that_ hadn’t changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the next chapter will be a short conclusion, I'll post it tomorrow. I hope you're enjoying the fic! :)


	5. Chapter 5

The two of them didn’t talk much on the following day. They still stayed close to each other, and sometimes, one of them would embrace the other’s waist and kiss his face, among other small gestures of affection. However, Goro knew Ryuji had much to think about, so he gave him some space, waiting for him to finally touch that subject when he felt comfortable with it.

It happened late that afternoon, almost in the evening. Ryuji sat beside him on the bed, placing his hand over Goro’s.

“I think I’ll go see them tomorrow.”

Those words, as well as his determined tone, surprised Goro.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

Ryuji nodded.

“The more I wait, the harder it’ll be, right?” he said.

“That’s true.”

Goro turned his hand upwards, intertwining their fingers. Ryuji looked at their joined hands, his mind seeming far from there.

“And I’m worried about my mom too,” he added in a low voice. “I thought it’d be better for her if I didn’t go back, but… After seein’ Aki, I kinda feel like I was wrong about it.”

“It’s what I think too,” agreed Goro. “Why don’t you call her? She’ll certainly be glad to hear your voice.”

“Yeah… Hope so.”

Again, Ryuji thought for a while, and Goro didn’t pressure him to keep talking.

“Can you lend me your charger?” he asked, finally. “I think I should turn my phone on already…”

That sounded like such a simple thing, but Goro knew the true meaning behind it. It made him smile, proud of Ryuji.

“Go ahead,” he said.

He watched as Ryuji put his phone to charge, then turned it on. The surprised look in his face made Goro giggle.

“So, how is it?” he asked.

“There’s a lot of messages here…” answered Ryuji, while scrolling down. “I mean, really… _a lot_.”

“I thought so,” answered Goro. “You’re quite the popular guy, aren’t you?”

Ryuji clicked his tongue, barely containing a smile.

“Shaddup…” he said.

“Not surprising, considering that handsome face, and those strong arms…”

Those comments made Ryuji snort-laugh.

“Shut up, Goro!”

Goro almost let out a “make me”, but instead got up from the bed, approaching Ryuji and hugging his waist. He waited in silence while Ryuji read those messages, then placed his phone back on the table, letting out a heavy sigh.

“I’m just a lotta trouble to everyone, ain’t I?” he said. “I was so sure that everyone hated me, that I didn’t even think that they could be… y’know, worried that I disappeared like that.”

“You’re not trouble to anyone,” answered Goro, kissing his shoulder. “You’re an amazing, sweet, and strong person, Ryuji. That’s why I…”

_…fell for you._ He stopped talking before those words could cause any damage beyond repair. He let go of Ryuji with a bitter smile and a dull pain in his chest.

“Honestly…” he proceeded, shaking his head. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Kurusu was already head over heels for you.”

Saying that was painful, but he expected to at least win a smile in return. Instead, Ryuji stayed silent for a while, without looking at him.

“Would you be fine with that?” he asked in a low voice.

The question surprised him.

“Why are you asking?”

Ryuji turned to face him. He didn’t answer for quite a while, and each second of silence only made Goro’s anxiety grow stronger. Had he been inconsiderate? Maybe it was still too early to touch that subject…

“Hey…” Ryuji’s voice brought him back to the present. “You really didn’t want Aki and the others to know about you, right?

Goro lowered his gaze.

“That was the plan,” he admitted.

“Then,” proceeded Ryuji, “why did you do all this for me? Givin’ Aki your address, an’ all that?”

His stomach turned, and suddenly he was taken by a strong urge to leave the room. But he stayed in place, making an effort to keep his face straight.

“You already know the answer, don’t you?” he asked, still staring at the floor.

“I don’t,” answered Ryuji. “That’s why I wanna hear it.”

Goro let out a long sigh.

“Because you made me feel worthy of being alive,” he said.

It wasn’t a lie, but not the entire truth either. Ryuji waited, and when nothing followed those words, he averted his gaze, seeming disappointed.

“Right.”

That reaction made something light up inside of Goro’s chest. That faint hope that he had buried under many excuses and logical reasoning came back to the surface before he could even consider pushing it back down.

“And because I fell in love with you,” he added.

Ryuji looked at him again, and a bright smile slowly took his face. He took a step in Goro’s direction, and Goro, now free of those many concerns regarding their relationship, embraced him tightly, burying his face on the crook of Ryuji’s neck, an intense feeling of joy spreading from his chest throughout his whole body.

“You won’t disappear from my life after this is over, will you?” asked Ryuji.

“Do you want me to?”

“No,” he tightened his embrace. “I’d hate if you did.”

His answer made Goro smile.

“Then I won’t,” he said.

“That’s good to hear.”

Ryuji kissed his shoulder, then let his head rest against it.

“I love you too, Goro.”

It was incredible how those few words could make him feel so glad to be alive. He silently cherished that feeling, that proximity, that warmth… _That person._ Every single detail, quality, and flaw that made Ryuji Sakamoto who he was—the one who gave him a reason to live when he thought there was none, and who he came to love like nothing else in the world. He couldn’t tell what awaited them in the future, but he hoped with his entire heart that they could stay together, like in that very moment; that, even when things become difficult for him, Ryuji would still be there to offer him the strength he needed to keep moving.

And, if Ryuji ever needed a reminder that life was worth living, Goro would be there for him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Goro: I'm sure you and Akira will make a nice couple...  
>  Ryuji: Bruh...  
> Goro: Since you two are clearly in love with each other.  
> Ryuji: **BRUH**_
> 
> Well, it's over. Writing this fic was both painful and fun, and seeing these two acting like husbands gave me 20 years of life. So, what did you think? Please let me know your thoughts if you can! :)
> 
> Thanks for reading this fic until the end, I hope you liked it!


End file.
